In His Presence: Grace Abounds and that is Where I am Found ( Living Way)

I remember it so clearly, how so many people and specific sermons hit me in a way that was different. I went to Berean, so it’s not like the word of God was not preached seriously or did not cut to many sin and heart issues. But it hit uniquely, a way that only the Spirit of God could open my eyes to see grace personally. After I moved back home in late August and early September, I was eager to move back because I have found this new church: Living Way. P Ray and P James were spitting out fire- the word was preached well and it was smaller so it seemed like it was a more intimate church body as well. Little did I know, God would use this church and instruments ( people in my small group) to reveal so much about myself and so much about God in such a short amount of time.

The first instance was after a small group, Debbie, a mom of 3 that I barely met stepped up to me and started getting to know me. And then she went Debbie on me ( little did I know this is a normal thing for her just dig and dig and cut and dig of course with the guidance of the Holy Spirit). She began to share what she noticed, she noticed that I was able to express myself, yet never really express how I truly felt. And that I knew what to say during prayers and what to do as if I fell into this legalistic mentality, always feeling like I have to prove myself to others. And at this point, I was like taking it all in and I kind of realized that as she was speaking, she legit just called me legalistic to my face yet I felt so loved? It was insane because it was the most loving and most gracious thing she could do to me, but dang what boldness that took on her end because I could’ve just been bitter and not like her for that. She cared more about my relationship with God than the relationship between us, that literally did not exist then.

Fast forward to a sermon that literally shook my world probably a few weeks after that. P James talked about grace and dude this sermon is the best because during this time, I began to see how much whether it be at work or even within the “ good church” things to do, I was seeking validation and acceptance from others.http://lwccla.org/resources_layouts/sermon-detail/sunday-service-october-27-2019 It was as if God was uprooting at least the first layer of this hard ground before getting to the root of it all, which I can now say is worthiness ( but that will come later). P James spoke about grace in a way that blew me away and helped me to understand and experience the freedom of grace that I never quite got. I understood it with my head and intellect but not with my heart. And even after the sermon, it didn’t really grasp my heart; it’s been a process. But what stood out to me where 3 main points: 1. The grace that saved you is the grace that we live on every single day of our lives. 2. Stapled Rose Petal flowers- this idea that we can look like a rose from afar but not actually bare true fruit. It reminded me of .. me. I was that person who knew how to play the part and tried so hard to earn approval from others, subconsciously without knowing it was what I was doing. And lastly, 3. God sees you as He sees Christ despite what we do. Now this has been the point I’ve wrestled with even up to now ( which will be my next point), but it’s this idea that God does not delight in us any less if we do not do something or do something. We cannot add or subtract God’s love for us based on our works because every work hinges upon everything Christ is and has done. That did it for, it was finally something that I could grasp personally without a message of doing something in order to please God.

Lastly, women’s retreat and small groups have played a vital role in understanding why I never understood grace. And although I went through a phase of just wanting to blame my sin on Berean for not teaching it correctly or wanted to blame something for this “failure” of seeing grace. But what my old mentor told me that has really healed my heart is that because I didn’t understand grace back then, it wasn’t a failure. It wasn’t as if you lacked because you didn’t get it. But it is a process and the way God grows us and allows us to see more clearly. God is purposeful in the way He chooses to reveal Himself and sometimes some things take longer than others. But anyhow, side tangent, God has used woman in my small group and woman’s retreat to unearth more of why grace was so foreign. And not to blame my parents in any way because I know they try their best, a lot of how we view God and relate to others is strongly influenced in the way we were raised. And that’s something that was brand new, but seems like it’s a thing to talk about at Living way. How is our identity tied to our past and how does our past influence us today. To keep it short, it can be summarized in this: I always feel like I need to be worthy or good enough in order to be loved. By God’s grace, He helped me connect the dots to specific and subconscious lies I was believing. A few of them namely in connection with my past:

• Lie 1: God made a mistake when He created me. I believed God helped me see this by showing me how often my mom, even though it is out of love and care, corrects me and tells me to do something different and changes things according to what she thinks is right, whether it be concerning my appearance or character. It just seemed like in everything that she tells me, it’s always something wrong that needs to be corrected. Thus, I felt like I always have to change myself and anticipate how to “put myself together” in front of people, coworkers, church etc.

• But Truth 1: That created me before the foundations of the world. Without mistake because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
  

• Lie 2:I am rejected, than I am not enough. And this was telling at work, but i can draw this back to my days where I was just constantly left out. And somehow I just took that on and kept believing that there was something wrong with me, it’s like me being me was not good enough. So proving and changing myself was the way I coped with it.

• Truth 2: God chose me to be His daughter, I am chosen ( Eph 1:4-5). And later it talks about how there was nothing about me that was worth choosing, but God did. And in His choosing He has made me into someone who is worthy ( Eph 2:8-9)

• Lie 3: Being in His presence is scary and frightening. There was something that was in me for so long, when I was alone and in the dark, my thoughts would run wild and would legit be scared to know that God was with me. It scared the crap out of me, I think it was because I held shame and guilt and just this feeling of His judgement is upon me. Maybe there was deciet and mainpulation and just not wanting to care for me. It was just a ton of lies that I never knew and it could just be due to seeing the wrath of God without grace or even this idea in society to the home of measuring up to a standard and feeling the guilt of not.

• Truth 3: But it was when I was reading Revelations actually where it says “he who sits on the throne ( Jesus) will shelter them with his presence” ( Rev 7:15b). And all throughout the Psalms, God is their refuge, their shelter, etc. There is just so much about the word that talks about God being a safe and secure place in the midst of chaos of a world tainted by sin.

• Lie 4: I have to be put together in order to be worthy. So it’s this same theme, but recently God began to show how much I feel like I need to put myself together before I feel okay to be in His presence. But it got to a point where all this guilt and anger towards my parents and just emotions that I never brought before God because I felt like I could carry it myself. But just one night, I had to kneel before God and say nothing but cry- my first time trusting Jesus that He cares enough to see me broken.

• Truth 4: Jesus cares that is why he calls us to cast our burdens on Him, that’s why He came to be our great High Priest who can sympathize. Not only does He give us a way for a renewed relationship with God when we are “ good”, but it was because of this brokenness we try to piece together ourselves but never can without Him. ( Heb 4:14-16, 1 Peter 5:7,Psalm 55:22)

So in summary, God has used this church to help me the core of the gospel, something that I could not see until God uprooted the fears and lies I was believing for so long that blinded me. It is in this place where I can see how Jesus gives grace and life abundantly and in that has given me a new name.