23: Jordan Year

02.20.2020

A few days ago, I turned 23. The big 2 3. Honestly when I was younger, 23 seemed so old, but now that I am here- I'm definitely not old ( or I'd like to think that). This transition year has been marked by unpredictability alongside God's provision and my birthday was no different. It was actually the most unexpected but blessed birthdays thus far.

In all honesty, birthdays are actually something I used to despise and one of those days I try to keep a secret and not make a big deal out of. And this really isn't a fake humility thing, but more so of insecurity thing. In the past, I've had a lot of moments where my expectations for other people constantly fell short. You know those FB posts with pictures or IG stories people do for people, yeah those never really happened for me or when my closest friends wouldn't text or remember it was my birthday, yeah that hurt too. So there were just so many and have been so many unsettled and deep wounds that just cause me to really hate my birthday. The point is, it just pointed to how much the acceptance and recognition of people really drove the way I valued and measured my worth.

But this year was different.

The night before, I was just doing my usual Wednesday night prayer and reading time. And I as I began just praying Psalm 139, talking about God knowing me and loving me fully, some how ( supernaturally) it just clicked. Like this head knowledge I've been constantly reading and learning and understanding finally jumped from my mind to my heart. And I just broke. I finally was able to emotionally understand how BIG our God is and how big His heart is for each person who believes in Him. It is insane! And after that, I was finally able to taste and see that the Lord is good and gain a small glimpse of understanding grace. And I know my ability to comprehend it may falter and understand it better in different seasons, but to finally experience just a small bit of it changed everything. Like I finally understand that praying and reading and understanding who I am before God just naturally changes when it clicked and how all that we do for God and with God is just an overflow. How did this happen? I don't know, but I know that it was a gift that made my birthday so much sweeter than it could be if it was merely man's praise alone.

So on my birthday, I woke up honestly not expecting anything. Which is so crazy and hard to believe, even for myself. But I woke up just believing and knowing that God was celebrating my life up in heaven like any parent would for their child, so all other praises, messages, etc were just an added blessing. And it was awesome, I was able to have a constant joy that did not depend on any unmet expectation or whether or not people would remember etc. Because honestly, I didn't get many messages or FB posts or IG story posts, but that is perfectly okay! God gave me something better, the understanding that I am loved and known by Him at the core of my soul.

But birthday was a huge blessing. I able to go down to Irvine for lunch and catch up with all my old college friends who are still in college and be able to have deep and meaningful conversations and just an opportunity to share all God has been doing and teaching me thus far. Then afterwards, I went out to dinner with my DC group and that was it. That was it, but so thankful for the people who wished me a happy birthday and even for those that didn't. I get it, people have their own life and nothing is now taken personally.

God healed a place in my life, I didn't even want to acknowledge the presence of deep pain from the past. But what I learned is that now in light of experiencing a truth I've known for a while, I don't want to chase the fleeting praises of man. Because, well it's temporary and doesn't actually matter. It doesn't matter.

So people ask what I am going to do for my Jordan year? Travel? Do something big? I am a simple person, it doesn't take much for me to be content. I really really enjoy just working out, going to church, working, hanging out with friends, and just being in the Bible and prayer whenever i can. My hope is that my life be marked by a deeper understanding and knowing of God's love for me and his love for others and that will be displayed with how I live.

Here's to the Jordan year and God's providence and goodness so far!