What Protect You Matters (part 2):

What protects you matter... part 2. Yes sir. As I've been reflecting, a few things come to mind that kind of blow my mind.

Walls. We all have them and I think about them as a form of protection and again, who and what we have designated to protect us matters (look at part 1). But to every coin there is a flip side. What I intended to protect me from danger may also be keeping what is inside locked up. And that's what mattes... is what protects us has the ability to determine what can come in and out? Or is it fixed, not allowing ANYTHING to come in and out. The thing that comes to mind is a permeable cell membrane or the membranes that genetically coded (somehow, I don't know) to let certain ions to enter in and some out. Or some walls could be like jail cells where finger prints, keys, and background checks are required. Which is funny because my therapist definitely kept driving that point home (in a joking way)... it was a joke until it wasn't. AKA when I slowly came to terms that those are what my walls are made up of. Don't let anyone in.. they could hurt me, they could disappoint me, they could make me feel like an after thought, they could see too much and reject me or abandon me, etc SO let no one in unless the pass this extensive filter system that I low key don't even know what I use as my standard, but there is a standard,

But even that standard is flawed? I let people in and still feel these feelings of disappointment, guilt, shame, and it's not the other person's fault. But it's as if, if you can make it past these walls there is a sureness and certainty in my heart and mind you won't fail me. Some may say it's unrealistic... I would say you are correct LOL. But again once you entered, it's hard for me to let the good things I've filtered go and the pains and hurts kinda get stuck and bottled up behind the walls too- they all just stay. And I honestly couldn't tell you if there is an exit sign for those emotions yet. May need to ask the architects to create one of those. But in all seriousness, what protects you matters, not only for keeping "bad" things out, but also letting poor experiences, hurts, pains, etc out as well. I realize I am harboring a lot more resentment and fear that I don't even know how to let go and if I did, don't know if I could even if I tried. Only God, only Jesus.

Such is the season to come to terms that the fixing and manipulating that's been feeling like it's holding it all together is beginning to show its cracks, exhaustion, and helplessness. But like in my dream I had yesterday, someone said, "it is better to be in need of God than anywhere else".

Side note: I am just reading Joshua 6 where the fall of Jericho occurs and it's so interesting:

• There is a affirmation and emphasis on walls of both it's protection from outside and a keep inside "Now Jericho was shut up inside and outside"

• Once it falls, not by destruction or might, but by obedience and worship, it states "' Shout, for the LORD has given you this city. And the city and all that IS WITHIN IT shall be devoted to LORD for destruction ... "haha I thought it just said wlil be devoted to the lord... but no devoted to destruction. But in some sense, the walls that will be brought down are not just for the sake of just being brought down, but for the sake of LORD and to be the Lord's. Still pending understanding on that one- hehe.