Proverbs 14:12

"There is a way that seems right to a man,

    but its end is the way to death"

Proverbs 14;12

This week was my first week of orientation for Kaiser's residency. It feels like a long time coming, but slowly, but surely, it snuck up on me. It's only 20 mins away WITH traffic from my apartment and after being out of school for a year, I've been getting the itch to learn, grow, and be mentored again. It's as if.... it's perfect timing. As I drive to and from work, I just sit and realize- "dang God knew exactly what He was doing".

But getting to this place of thankfulness and contentment wasn't easy. If anything, it was my introduction of full blown disappointment, pain, anger, etc. if you know, you know- season was probably the hardest seasons of the books thus far in 27 (almost 28) years of life. And as I sit and realize, I've been wrestling with a low hum of discontentment, confusion, and (full confession) disappointment when it comes to letting go the guy I dated. it's been like almost 2 months since 4 weeks of dating- logically, it doesn't make sense. But as I learned, not everything, especially emotions can always be logic-ed out. But I think God is teaching me a few things in the midst of this wrestling:

• Grappling with disappointment and loss (of past and possible future) is a genuine pain point. And God highlighted, I'll spare you from details, but how much I pretend (and did pretend as a young kid) that disappointment never hurt me. I would let it slide and "let it go" (when in reality, it was just a growing and still growing pile of resentment I haven't really wanted to acknowledge before God, myself, or others).

• Who and what is your faith in? I realized, in short, the guy began to heal the deepest wounds and insecurities I've had my whole life. Whether it be body image, feeling like I'm too much, or just being seen without needing to prove myself. Kinda sweet huh? But like this past Sunday's sermon brought up, do we have more faith in people and things over God? And that's when I realized, what may be driving this need to cling to the idea of the guy may be that I have tasted some semblance of "feeling saved"; or in other words, someone can truly see me and still choose to care for me. And it's caused me to have to ask myself, what lies am I believing about the guy to fill these huge expectations and almost yearning for him to be my savior (not fair to even bear that expectation). Versus what am I believing about God (or not believing) him to be?

  I'll land this plane. I guess what I am trying to process is this: how do you trust God in the midst of disappointment and grief? At the end of the day, I think it's a human experience to grieve- it's a weird paradox where love and loss meet. In some sense, like my pastor says, it produces in us this longing for eternal things and lasting things. It's in our DNA to crave such things. And while it's valid and equally still difficult, there is an aspect of surrender to God, the very god of the bible, if He says He is all that He is- why wouldn't we trust him? And again, I'm realizing it's not just about asking for more faith but a deeper faith in believing all God says He is, especially in the midst of disappointment and confusion. And I think walking in trust has begun with remembering His faithfulness time and time again, as I am so quick to forget. His ways are better than my ways and the call is to trust in the midst of the unknowns in the God who knows all things.

  
  

  5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

  
  

      and do not lean on your own understanding.

  
  

  6 In all your ways acknowledge him,

  
  

      and he will make straight your paths.

  
  

  7 Be not wise in your own eyes;

  
  

      fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

  
  

  8 It will be healing to your flesh[a]

  
  

      and refreshment[b] to your bones.

  Proverbs 3:5-8