Benefit of the Doubt

Definition: noun phrase : the state of accepting something/someone as honest or deserving of trust even though there are doubts.

Today was the first day I finally caught my breathe since the beginning of August. With residency applications/interviews, trips with friends, loading my schedule with too much then nothing at all, working etc. It feels like life was getting pretty chaotic- but the reality I think is a lot of times, life feels chaotic because my mind and thoughts are pretty chaotic.

Generally, this recent season has been filled with a lot of fun, a lot of wins (got into residency), and decision making, but to be honest, my mind, while it has been mulling over these things, I've noticed there has been a big underlying amount of anxiety and worry even with good things. The voices of self-doubt, self-criticism, and fear has gripped my heart and mind....

Maybe I should start out with context how I think I'm learning or at least finally feel like I am gaining traction in this area. Recently before and after my Chicago trip, my mom and I got into a huge fight-each having our own mistakes. But one thing that stood out, without ill intent, my mood or emotion changed and after that my mom got really upset and began to go on about how she never knows how I am going to treat her etc. And I realized, all too often growing up, I have always felt misunderstood and a lot of what I did (if it wasn't working towards the goal of caring or helping my mom feel cared for) was met with distrust, anger, silence, etc. on my mom's receiving end. And I say this in love, but there is definitely an unhealthy role reversal happening here, but also shaped the framework I probably developed overtime. It has been: If I make a mistake or if I'm not constantly maintaining this relationship, I will be met with some type of action that results in isolation. And I recently, I realized that I have formed judgements and vows (as my therapist taught me) that actually impacts how I view myself and view others.

The judgement: If I make a mistake or mess up, I will experience a strain in the relationship or a negative consequence that may result in these feelings of loneliness (rejection/ abandonment).

The vow: I promise I wont be lonely by being perfect or be what people need in my relationships/ friendships.

In essence, a lot of who I am and how I view myself has and is based on how I think am perceived, how I think I am meeting a need in other people's lives, and how well I think I am measuring up to what I define as good. This doesn't leave much room for mistakes or living in the grey.

And I think this is why with even simple things like texting or messaging people, grips me with so much fear. But what I realized is this:

1. The fear of man I would argue is honestly shaped by our biggest insecurities and can shape how we fill the gap/ space. For instance, I make a mistake. Then there is a gap between the mistake and how the person responds. If my biggest fear is being a burden or that they won't like /accept me unless I am perfect, then I will fill the space between the mistake and response with worries that surround my own biggest fears. When in reality, it may not mean too much to them- it's just not that big of a deal.

2. There is freedom in Christ whether or not I believe it. And really this is the grounds for everything. In Christ we have been called a new creation and that is the truest thing about us from before the beginning of time and until the end of time. But whether we see it as true in regards to how God sees us and even how others sees us is a journey. I relate it to this image of chains. The chains are already broken, but sometimes we find ourselves behind prison gates because we don't really know or believe that they are gone. So it becomes a journey of choosing what is true of us in Christ even when we don't see, believe, or feel it.

3. Which leads me to the last one, benefit of the doubt. I think this phrase is mostly used in the context of someone does something that hurts you or offends you - then it's a choice of choosing to believe that the other party had no ill intent. But I think what I am writing about is this idea believing that others can give us the same benefit of the doubt too. I wonder how much of my freak outs and worrying over friendships, relationships, and taking on leadership positions can be calmed with the belief that one, my identity is not defined by others and two, even if I make a mistake or fail someone that they will also give the same benefit of the doubt that I would give them. Honestly, it's so hard to choose because it's not something I normally experienced, but I can see choosing it will become a path towards living a life that the gospel has given and one that is free of unnecessary worry/ anxiety. Or in other words, as my therapist calls it - living in your true self (operating by how God sees us IN Christ).