Crumbling down...

Or is it? 

This week has been nuts. Not a storm that is wrecking me like the job situation from last year, but one that is hitting pain points and fears and hurts and confusion AND also in some ways fueling my faith in ways I haven't experienced as deeply. It’s a duality that may be hard to explain but I can try. 

For the past few weeks, life was looking and feeling up. I randomly started talking to a guy on hinge, job felt steady, and I was just starting to get into the groove of just really reflecting and praising God for instilling this confidence in me that He is faithful, that He is trustworthy, that I am His child. The guy took me by surprise! I never expected to talk to this guy but conversation flowed naturally, I respected him and his convictions, loved his pursuit for godliness and being the provider of the household, and I must say his humor and the ease in which we carried our conversations was refreshing.... Something I never experienced before. I may have thought this guy has potential to be the one? Actually I wasn’t thinking too far ahead and even that in itself is new, I didn’t daydream of our wedding day, but was able to stay pretty present and sensed this peace that felt like God was providing and caring for us and allowing us to have this intentional, yet fun and super comfortable space to get to know each other. But for now, things have been stopped and left on the best terms I could have asked for (even though the reality is still difficult to swallow).  

And then you have the plumbing situation where my sink was clogged and water ended up overflowing into the kitchen floor and dampening the walls and floors in my room. I told the landlords but I think there was hesitancy to follow through. But eventually and thankfully, they got a mold inspection and we are waiting for results. I think there is that big question now, what do I do? There are so many possibilities and my hope is to continue to give them the benefit of the doubt. But question of where to stay and if to stay (probably won’t bc I notice a stark difference in my health when I'm not there) and what to do next is still at hand. But God again even in the midst of unknown provides the Cho family to provide a space for me to live and eat and shower in and find respite for the past week. I am truly humbled by them. While not ideal, God still provides everything I need.

Which to my next point...all that to say all these situations are making it very apparent that I need God. I find myself wanting to be strong and then breaking down knowing I can’t be. I want to have faith and trust and in some sense I do have these grounding me, but then there are things where parts of my story or even insecurities of not being cared for or heard that are pressed in these situations and it feels overwhelming. But I am glad that what I am turning to is God and his character and have sisters in Christ that are also pointing me towards him. While I may not feel it, I think God has begun and has increased my faith. While things may feel like they are crumbling down, He is also building up something anew in me. This may be faith or trust or something about learning to lean in even when the darkness comes. In psalm 139 it says that "darkness is not darkness to Him". He is there and He is with us and even when I can’t see how this all makes sense. I am learning to turn towards the God who can carry every burden and can embrace my weaknesses, desires, hopes, dreams, hurts etc. I can entrust it all to him. And I think in some ways, this is creating space for me to be open to grieve and go in the most painful parts of myself/story with God that I wasn't so willing to before. So I can see glimpses and glimmers of hope and sustenance even though it doesn't feel great. My prayer is that the Lord will keep heart tender towards him and others and that I won't vow to never get hurt, but just knowing that when I do, I vow to turn to the well that never dries.

This valley as some may say, is all the more vital. I think it reminds me of the small group I had last night and even the cup analogy I tell my patients all the time. If you have cup that is 1/4 full versus a cup that is mostly full (reference to where they are at capacity wise), if I give a patient the same exercises who is going to feel the biggest difference? Clearly the one with 1/4 cup because the change is that much bigger.  And in that same way, Jesus came for the sick (aka all of us) but those who know their sick versus those who don’t know will have a different experience. And in that also what turned for me is the story of the mustard seed- how much faith do you need in your time of need? A mustard seed... that’s it?! But I realized .. faith in the Bible can be measured in some degree but I think there is this genuine turn of  “Lord I need you to intercede” faith that no matter what amount of “I need you” it is this heart posture of dependency on God and not ourselves and in that God can and will be glorified. And in that too, again in regards to relationships in the future. God clearly showed me He can provide a guy that can meet my needs and weaknesses and even if it isn’t this guy (maybe it is?! Who knows!) but I can put my confidence that God will do as He wills and has plans that will be for my ultimate good (Christ likeness) and bringing worship to his name. Similar to a quote in this book “ 

“Jesus goes beyond our obvious need to our ultimate need. W e need forgiveness and adoption into God’s family more than we need anything else or anyone else. This story is a stirring reminder that Jesus is both willing and able to forgive.” 

What we think we need and what we truly need, God will always provide the second because He cares about who we are in Him and won’t give us things that will take us away from Himself.