Dear Erika (Part 2- Resolution)

Going on social media first thing in the morning today was not a great idea, BUT i think God has worked (even in a couple days and weeks) to change my heart about the whole situation. I saw the same girls hanging out and - nothing. I just was like nice and moved on. I think since the whole spiral, I've began realizing a few things about myself (some of it will be here, another blog is coming your way about a different, yet related topic that also came up when reflecting).

I’ve always wanted a group of friends. From the previous post, all you need to know is that is what little Erika’s heart has always wanted- to feel like she belonged to someone or some type of group to feel like she was enough. But yet, time and time again, church after church- none. I just could never catch a break in the idealistic way I thought I wanted and needed. But God- I think I’ve had to come to this conclusion many, many times. And I don’t think that makes things any easier, but the reality is, unless God supernaturally creates a group- it may not be in my future. And I think I am finally learning that, it’s okay. Because while I’ve never had a group, God always provided the right people and the right friendships in His right timing and they’ve always been so sweet. I mean I look at my now, one of my best friends Jess- did not talk to her in college at all, and yet randomly met in a coffee shop again and now she’s one of my closest friends I can see being in my life for the long run.

I think I am starting to understand that God may not always provide exactly what you want, but always provides exactly what you need. And that’s why praying and really intentionally seeking contentment and not in a superficial way either is so important. I think there is pain with expectations and yearnings not being answered and man I think God deeply knows that in the same way He deeply knew that Israelites were in the wilderness. But God. But God had a quite bigger promise for them and much, much bigger plan to use them and show them more of himself. And in relation to P Rays message which will be a separate blog (link here), is that God knows exactly what He is doing and I am just learning that I don’t need to figure it out and I don’t need to touch anything and everything for it to turn out okay. Let God be god and let me, just be me. Here are some things that came to mind in the past couple of weeks and how I felt when seeing the same girls that triggered me before (not their fault, just my pain reaction).

1. I don’t think I’d fit into the group that I saw on Instagram and not in a bad way, more as it is what it is kind of way. But I also don’t find myself wanting to run from pain so that’s the biggest difference from the last blog. I don't find myself wanting to leave LivingWay and flee from hurt.

2. The type of target and go to do life on life kind of stuff and that deep intimacy, may be expectations for a boyfriend and not to place everything on the relationship, but may be more so for that type of relationship rather than a friendship. But even more so i think it is learning to experience and giving God space to meet me in “he is with me always” not just in the highest of highs or the lowest of lows, but in the everyday day to day life. The beauty of experiencing his presence in each moment.

3. I am tired of striving and trying to manufacture this group of friends that my childhood heart yearns for- as if having that group is going to fix this broken heart. I am learning to ask “ God where do I fit into your plan today? How would you like to use me?” versus “ Lord I think I would be most useful here, let me touch, fix, change this and that according to want I think is best”. It's similar to the Israelites in Deuteronomy where God chooses the place of worship and the Israelites bring their tithes there versus the other way around. The approach I was taking, lord I think this would be best and would glorify you rather than yielding and taking a surrendered and open hand approach to life and friendships.

4. Honestly, harsh reality check. I don’t know if I am ever going to have that ideal group of friends. Not saying God can’t and won’t provide. I’ll be praying, if not for a group, just for people and friendships to happen organically. But yeah, I’ve never been one with a group of friends, but I think I recognize, that never meant I lacked friends. I think God has always provided the people I needed for the season I was in- I never lacked anything even thought it didn't fit my expectation. And I think seeing that gap has led me towards discontentment rather than thankfulness and it's something I need to confess and repent of.

5. I recognize I got my ride or dies outside of church and I have people I can ask to hang out with in church, but just haven’t made the time to do so. That’s on me. Sometimes I wish I could just have someone to reach out to me and invite me to something, BUT the gift of initiation and administration usually means I reach out first. But even so, the beauty of initiating and asking is another way to love someone who may be too scared to. SO I think I am resolving to start asking the people i think I am already close to to hang out and making it a point to ask more regularly and consistently, with prayer being my guide. I know I have a busy season ahead of me, so I don’t want to burn myself out or assume this will fix my hurt, it won’t. But trying to find the line of effort without striving and filling my time, but not burning out!

It's crazy to see how God is shifting my perspective. Once I recognize and trust that his care in what I have is what is actually best and that I don't need to curate or fix anything really, it puts me in a place of just rest. True rest. Life already feels less chaotic and less uptight and I can really learn to enjoy the season God has me in and will have me in moving forward.