Enough

This Sunday, I prayed a bold prayer that God would strip me from my pride and to teach me how to seek His glory alone. But I asked that He would be really really really gentle and gracious, knowing that praying a prayer like that may require trials and such. And God did nothing short of that, he answered quickly, it hurt? In seeing my own pride, but God did so in a way that was very very gracious.

I am enough because of your grace. You are enough because it is who you are.

That’s the line I kept hearing after I realized how much I was trying to earn the approval from the people especially in my small group. Ironically it should be the place where I feel the most safe, but in all honesty I feel a war within me. There’s a part of me that wants to love them, but man this sin of pride eats at me. There are certain people I want their approval and when they praise someone else but not me, I become jealous or when I find myself trying so hard to grab people’s attention, I become concerned I come off as ingenuine. There was one guy who kept giving encouragement, but even through it he kept saying it’s not out of pride, it’s not for show or portray a form of godliness. It made it even worse because this one of the guys I yearned for approval from, a lot coming from this insecurity of needing to be liked and get along with everyone, but it literally felt he knew my deep sin and could see it. I felt so exposed and was literally found myself in shame and guilt. It’s as if he knew this deep sin of pride and wanting to be seen as godly. But a sister I talked to after, really really encouraged me to know that 1. We both struggle with this pride of wanting to be seen and heard by others 2. We cannot be fully loved until we are fully known- it hit differently because, I know it’s in a song and I know it in my head, but when you’re in a place of shame and guilt, it’s like wow, God would still grant me grace even this sin? 3. It reminded me a lot of 1 Samuel 8 and 12.

In 1 Samuel 8, Samuel the prophet is granting Israel a king because it’s what they want, yet he warns them that it is not pleasing to God. He goes through the history of Israel displaying the faithfulness of God, but also points to a core issue that Israel forsakes God. Whether it be from Exodus to now, Israel was always trying to seek their hope, peace, security in false gods of countries around them and now wanted a king to stand in their place again, like other countries. Despite Samuel’s attempt to show that God is enough and that the kings they seek will take from them, they still want a king, ““No! But there shall be a king over us that we also may be like all the nations, and that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight our battles.” ( 1 Samuel 8:19-20). And later on 1 Samuel 12: 12 as Samuel pleads for the people, “ And when you saw that Nahash the king of the Ammonites came against you, you said to me, ‘No, but a king shall reign over us,’ when the LORD your God was your king."

How often do I set my hopes on other people, my glory, my accomplishments searching in these things to make me whole? These small and false gods and kings take and take so much of me when the true King of my heart is ready to give and give. It’s so easy to sometimes be like the Israelites. We can see God’s faithfulness and power and read about it and pray to Him, but yet still look to other things and people because maybe God really isn’t enough.

I am enough because your grace has said so. You are enough because it is who you are.

I have gotten to a point where I am just tired, tired of trying to set people, approval, and being seen and heard as the king of my heart. I’ve seen that it only leads me back to where I started: still trying to find and fill a void that only God can fill. I see that all the things Israel wanted from their next king, was already given by God in His promises. They wanted someone to fight their battles, He promised that the Red sea ( Exodus 14:14-”The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”). They wanted a God who judged them, God provided them leaders to His voice as a guidance for them, he gave them the 10 commandments. They wanted a king who went before them. He did in Joshua, he was always before them “It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” ( Deut 31:8). God is everything we want and need, yet we may be blinded. It challenges me to step into His promises in faith and to see that God is really all that He says he is.

I actually have a lot of fear when it comes to people seeing my sin and judging me and seeing me through that lens even after I change. But if God is faithful to forgive ( 1 John 1:9) and removes his judgement ( Zephaniah 3:15), what do I have to fear? My goal is to please the one who enlisted me, not to do things by way of eye service, even my repentance and sanctification process ( 2 timothy 2:4,Eph 6:6). I think God is very clear that the intimacy and love I try to find in other things are empty, but God is all that I want and need. And like the Israelites in 1 Samuel, there was shame and even fear but Samuel encourages them with them

“ Do not be afraid; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart. 21 And do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty. 22 For the LORD will not forsake his people, for his great name's sake, because it has pleased the LORD to make you a people for himself” (1 Samuel 12:20-22).

He points them to the very grace of God, they were chosen and it pleases God to fulfill his promise through them for His name sake.

God humbled me through my small group and has helped me see the tireless cycle and emptiness that comes with trying to find my needs in everything outside of Him. I see that He really is the only one that can satisfy our deepest needs. I am starting to get it, I know I will continue to fail but hoping that even through it, I can step into his forgiveness with confidence and not shame.

I am enough because your grace covers me. You are enough because it is who you are.

“5 Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, 6 who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant..” ( 2 Corinthians 3:5-6)