He Has Been: Redeemer ( Family)

God has been so good and has been providing abundantly within my family. It doesn't mean everything is perfect, but I do see His redeeming hand in the midst of our home since I moved back. Actually family was my biggest worry and my biggest motivator for moving home. The debate to stay in Irvine where everything seemed so set ( found an awesome church, had a bunch of friends, a job that I loved), why would I move? But I think what God kept pressing on my heart was to be home to serve my parents, my sister, and to be present. But going home wasn't an easy thing for me to process; it came with a lot of fears- what if I fall away? What if I can't find a church? What if I fall back into my old habits? What if my relationship with my parents went back to where it was before?

So many questions. So many uncertainties.

For of those who probably don't know me, growing up my relationship with my parents was terrible. It was characterized by a lot of screaming, anger, hurtful words, and everything in between. They never physically hurt me, but it was an emotional turmoil on both ends. I would cuss them out under my breath, would not listen to them, flip them off etc. So I wasn't the best kid either ( these are the habits I feared I would back to). It was an unending cycle with many scars that are still in the process of being healed now, but really it wasn't until I met Christ and where I began to see Him soften my heart to forgive them and see them through grace-filled eyes.

So coming back home, I wasn't sure if I was going to be emotionally safe or okay, and was really unsure of how the dynamic would be. I also pridefully approached it in a way that I would go home and bring salvation to my sister and other family members as well. But thankfully, God humbled me and brought me to a place of just praying for a servant and obedient heart.

Now looking back, it's crazy to see how good God has been in this area of my life. Of all areas in my life, my biggest worry was family and church, but He provided abundantly. I am humbled and thankful to say that being home has been amazing! It has been so cool to live at home and be able just to be with my parents. Doing what they say without grumbling has been much easier than anticipated and I can only attribute it to mighty work of the Spirit. Our dynamic has been a huge blessing. It's a good balance of hanging out and just being with each other, walking the mall with one another, taking simple trips to the store to buy food, and being there just do whatever they need and serving them in small ways. We even took a trip to Lake Tahoe and plan to go the Seattle together. I am so so thankful God has given me a season of rest to enjoy these small moments and to see that as I spend time with them, my love and compassion for them has grown much more than I ever thought it would.

I even see God continuing to work in my heart for my extended family. Honestly, I felt so much resentment and bitterness for all the times I felt left out and didn't feel like I belonged. There was this one moment where everyone was in their groups and found myself reading half the Old Testament. Lol, after that moment. I always felt this sense of loneliness and inability to want to love them in the way God called me. And my grandparents are also pretty against me "getting too deep" into Christianity too. So in general, in college and in the past, it was always hard going to family events. But it's crazy, once God challenged me to love them just by being present, rather than focusing on myself, I can see how my heart doesn't coward in fear when thinking about a family get together. But instead, I see my heart actually growing in compassion and just wanting to be with them ( yes there are still awkward moments, but it's been getting better). To that end, love my family and humbled that God would be so gracious in this part of my life.

But as much as God has redeemed our family relationships within. I do see more space in which God needs to continue to redeem. There has been a lot of tension between my parents and my sister to the point where she has cut us off and moved out on a whim. It kind of sucks but I know that despite the bitterness, hurt, and pain felt on both ends, God can redeem. Christ came to mend what was broken, not just relationships between friends and family, but ultimately between us and God. So my hope and prayer is that God would continue to use me and continue to stretch me in ways to love my parents, sister, and even extended family.