"He who is forgiven little, loves little"

We meet again, this blog has been too active, but praying it would be a source of remembrance of God's faithfulness and encouragement. I think it's fair enough to say, the last 2-3 weeks have been a storm, with the mold issue and the break up, naturally my emotions have been ebbing and flowing, but I want to highlight a few lessons God has graciously revealed in the midst of this. Big picture:

• Forgiveness is something I still struggle to receive from God and trust that I'll receive from others.

• He who is forgiven little, loves little- I've always seen it in the context of loving God back. But I think this also applies to how we can love others as well (Matt 18: 15-35)

• My inability to truly grasp forgiveness from God and others may be a source of my people pleasing and my grip to feel like I need to be everything to everyone.

This past Sunday, I remember sitting in my car and taking a deep breathe in and deep sigh out. I prayed asking that God would give me the strength to socialize and be present. It was as if my body was preparing for war singing frozen lol- "don't let them in, don't let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel put on a show make one wrong move and everyone will know" (P.s.OK I thought this was a joke, but actually these lyrics ring true for this situation and probably how I've been carrying myself a lot in life). But anyways, I enter church and Erica C. (E-squared) runs up to me and starts praying for me and of all the things that stood out was this "remember that His yoke is easy, his burden is light". And I kid you not, for the first 3 songs of service I could not stop crying....like those ugly cries you need to go to the restroom after. It was as if the walls I fought so hard to put up, were crumbling down before the King of kings.

And then the message happens to be on the topic of unmet desires... how timely. I would recommend it: https://www.youtube.com/live/PtEdsIg5IsU?si=s8ZUQWvQTV9ofCBH&t=2290 . In essence is explained the story of Zechariah and his wife Elizabeth, both coming from a priestly lineage and walked in faithfulness, were barren. Historically, being barren was a symbol of disfavor from God. But in their story, God declares favor over them with or without child and also displays a hearing of their prayers/ cries that had much bigger purposes than themselves. Somehow God in his unmatched ways (Isaiah 55:6-11) always promises to fulfill his word and in his goodness also cares for us in the process.

In some ways, I would assume this sermon would give me hope in dating etc., but reality was my heart was challenged by forgiveness. The sermon took a turn towards the sin of abortion and some how led me to my sin of un-forgiveness . The biggest reason why the mold issue has been bothering me was because of this sense of injustice. It wasn't the mold itself nor the inconvenience of moving around, but it was making my needs known, but felt like they were dismissed. It took almost 3.5 weeks and moving out to get the landlord's attention. AND then the compensation issues were also ... complicated. The mold problem became more than just a mold problem- it because a heart issue of feeling uncared for by my landlords to put it bluntly. And I was unwilling to forgive until I felt I was compensated or things were made right in my eyes.

And I haven't been wanting to forgive them UNTIL..... I was put in a situation where I needed to be forgiven. Long story short, I haven't been in the best place to meet up/ call people outside my normal circle and one friend I asked to cancel on. And I think because it's been a pain point in our friendship with me cancelling (this is another story for another day), she blew up on me. It felt like I had a legit reason AND also I hurt my friend and I felt a lot of shame/ guilt. And the same night I got into a tiff with my friend, my small group was talking a lot about forgiveness and what it meant. In short our small group came to this conclusion. Forgiveness is a process of feeling/ engaging with the injustice, acknowledging that forgiveness (in your heart/ in person) will cost me something, but understanding that cost has already been paid/provided in Christ.

I heard what they were saying, but was hesitant. It revealed that I may know what forgiveness is with my head, but not so much with my heart. If I had to be brutally honest with myself in how I've been operating towards God and others lately- it's not so much the attitude that I can do no wrong, but "I won't do any wrong and if I do, it'll destroy me". Which may make sense as to why I think I get so offended when I am wronged. I may subconsciously expect  people to operate in a similar way of " if you cared about me, you wouldn't wrong me." And in some sense, I think this may also be the grounds for why I may be feel entitled in how I carry myself in relationships/ friendships at times. It's like I say, "I strive to never hurt you so therefore you owe me x, y, and z". This may be why forming connections/ relationships feel so overwhelming or why I feel like I need to work so hard in ALL my relationships... it's like there is no room for mistakes for myself or for others in my mind. Even though I know the gospel and I know people and I are imperfect, YET I still carry these unrealistic expectations of myself and others.  SHEESH. (I think we need a Selah like in Psalm)

And now I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like I need to prove myself in friendships or say yes to a lot of things, I am tired of needing to put up walls of perfection before God and others.... and I'm just tired. My prayer now, is to come humbly before God and wrestle with what it means to understand forgiveness/ care from Him first. To dwell in the house of the Lord and learn/ rest in Him so that I don't have to operate from this crazy high/low state, people pleasing, and just learn how to walk at the pace of the Lord and love others from a genuine place rather than grabbing and using people/ things to fill this God-sized void. I think the more I come to believe the extent and abundance of God's forgiveness and love, the better I will be able to yes worship/ love God, but also have a greater capacity to love others and forgive others abundantly.