Hold Me Fast

So this week was kind of difficult to say the least, yet the irony is that as I worked harder to change it, the “worse” it got. Alright let’s paint the picture once again, so this week started out with me realizing my pride in so so many things and asking God to break it down very very gently and graciously, and lo and behold, He did. It was really revealed in small group and going around sharing encouragements, half the time my head was elsewhere, trying to focus, but it wandered off into jealousy, or setting my hope on one or two people that I like really wanted them to say something for me just as an ease of wanting their approval and it was just kind nasty. And then there was this one guy who kept talking about people’s humility and how they really loved God and how they didn’t do it to be seen and I was already feeling really exposed at the point as if he was subtly saying to my face “ I know your sin” LOL. So the ironic part about all of this is that once I realized the heap of my emotions, I was torn between my pride and wanting to be seen and heard and also my shame in actually not wanting to be fully known. In my pride I like to work and to be seen and a lot of times I want just a piece of the glory. So then I prayed and shared with Miriam and it was really good and then we get to Thursday. And man we were talking about God’s faithfulness and as much as I saw God being faithful I still felt this discontentment of asking God why I still struggle with pride? I read the word, pray, etc and sometimes it still doesn’t feel like enough, especially if I allow myself to look outward and compare. So then the part of me that loves to earn people’s approval and even God’s, I just keep looking through the pages of the bible and praying harder but then i realized once more, even this change of pride is coming from a place of pride. Like what! How?! But that makes sense right? I see that pride is something that is not pleasing to God but even the subtlety of knowing this, in my pride I want it to change, because wait maybe if I am more humble outwardly, I’ll be praised. The freaking sin in all of this is so real, it’s kind of funny how my mind works. But anyways, our whole girls group became the theme of the 4 soils which is crazy because I think my first discussion with Debbie at my second DC was actually about the soils. But the end of it all was not about the soils, but about God and how He is truly the one that grows us. He is the one that holds us fasts and allows us to grow, sustains the growth, and bears the fruit. Right in John it talks about how if you abide in Jesus and him in you, it will bear much fruit. Because apart from him, you can do nothing. Like nothing at all. Nothing.

And I was just sitting there baffled like, oh shoot, like here I am trying to fix myself and correct myself so that I can be seen, yet what if God is withholding my growth in this area because I would take the glory and not give it to him. And Miriam also encouraged me with this, like how easy it is for us to look to our left and right wanting and wishing to be where someone else is, yet not really seeing God in our own story. It really is a heart of not being content in God and where He has placed us. And you can dig deeper to the root that, where God has placed me, I do not trust that this is the best place to be when in fact in Psalms 84:11 talks about God does not withhold anything good. And to build on this, in Psalm 78, it talks about Israel’s belief in God and lack of trusting HIS saving power angered God. So what am I saying? As much as I want to grow in letting go of my pride, I think the solution to that is actually the opposite of working harder, it’s about surrender.

It’s about letting God be God and stepping into the truths of who I am in Christ and giving room for God to work. Sometimes, actually probably a lot of times, we ourselves get in the way of God to do work in and through us. Sometimes the problem is us. So it’s not like I’m going to stop reading and praying, but I think it’s like oh man, my heart’s desire is to learn to seek God’s glory over my own through surrender. Because it is in surrender when I think we will be able to see God more clearly, the cross more deeply, and to actually step into deeper trust. And honestly that scares me because there is some unbelief, like if I step away, like God are you really going to do a work for me if I’m not? That’s when you hear the resounding promise of Phil 1:6 “ And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ”. Actually what catches my eyes not only the promise, but that it is a “ good work”. God’s adoption and sanctification is His good work in me.

Sometimes I am really not okay with where I am, I constantly feel like I need to work on myself and change myself. But for what? For who? The idol of fear of man is not just men themselves, but it is ourselves. At the heart of it right? Because we use people to fill a need in us that just seems void. We want their acceptance and praise even though it is so freaking temporary but yet it kind of has a way of keeping us going. But I keep thinking of the well. Here I am trying to drink from like a cistern with a hole in it, it just never satisfies when Jesus offers us living water that will satisfy us forever. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I really hope that I can step into trust in God’s good plan and that I would not look to anyone to fill my needs or try to fix myself and get in the way of God. That it wouldn’t be about my glory, but God’s glory. If you think about it, it really is His glory that lasts forever. In the next 8 months, I am pretty sure this epiphone will come up again and again, but my prayer is that I will be content to know growth in Christ is a process ( a tree doesn’t just spring up from a ground, but it takes time to grow) and it is a process that is ultimately by the grace of God. Like thank God our growth doesn’t depend on us, because as much as we think we can do it, we can’t- that’s why we need Jesus. Israel out of all the generations and generations, they could never fulfill the laws and even if they did, many did it for themselves and the praise of man. What I am struggling with is nothing new, so let’s just see how God works when I just focus on stepping into being who God has made me to be rather than doing more.

Side note: reminded of Psalm 130 and yeah just all that God has - forgiveness, steadfast love, and abundant redemption. I like the sound of these things especially as I see my sin. Rather than trying to fix my sin and try to prove myself as not as sinful or lessen the bitter taste of sin. I will learn how to receive forgiveness, learn to hope because God’s love endures my unbelief, doubt, pride, and it redeems ALL my inequities. God is the only one who can redeem such things, so I’ll just let God do that. I obviously can’t redeem it, even when i try, I fail. I think part of my fixing and working comes from a place of not really accepting forgiveness in full, but trying to earn it. So learning the grace of God is still a common theme and being able to believe that Jesus has already done all that I cannot.