How about me?

I think lots of thoughts to process in regards to community and just feeling left out, not seen etc, but I think a story that comes to mind is the older brother in the prodigals son. I think as I see people getting more involved and seeing people build the community I would love to be a culture at Livingway, I tend to cross my arms and question their intentions, become bitter, jealous. Some of it may be outside stress and lack of control and wanting to control, another part is my constant struggle to place my identity in God instead of people, another is just bitterness and frustration of trying to organize things, but not many people showing up or in general just seeing people not always show up. But I think I see the deep seated heart issue is this need for attention and love that I am obviously not placing in God- point noted. But how does this relate to the prodigal son?

Let’s take a look.

25 “Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. 27 And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ 28 But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, 29 but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ 31 And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. 32 It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.’”

(Luke 15:25-32)

Why do I feel this is me? Often times I think I have been one how does much and then never gets repaid with the praise or love I want (that is an issue in it of itself). But I think it goes deeper still. I think it’s this idea of feeling like “how about me?” It’s ask if everything I do or say or just needing this constant affirmation whether it be always being invited or constantly being praised to having that this need to be seen by others as a confirmation that I am enough. Sometimes I even without knowing it I expect this from people and God maybe? I think I downplay many things, this is fresh

• I downplay the importance of faithfulness and the fact that while it may not elicit the amount of attention and praise, God still loves that and I am sure people still see it, but yeah I see that day in and day out faithfulness for the kingdom may not always elicit a praise or a acknowledgement that I hope for, I think it teaches me how to know that God’s approval is greater

• I think I realize I have a false belief that if people love one person that they can’t love me. If God loves and praises the younger son, He has somehow ran out of love and time and affection for me. And I think maybe that’s why if I have this view with God, how much more would I see and interpret this in my relationship with other people. I think I also hold this with my sister. When she came back into the picture she was literally the prodigal son, I think I was really hurt and hid and pushed her and my parents out (during the time of my grandparents passing too) because I think I held this view that if they love and care for her and celebrate her then I was therefore not seen, not heard and not important and not worthy of love. --> I have this preexisting notion that love and praise can only be given to me and no one else or everyone else but me. It’s very mutually exclusive when the truth is God is love, God counts us worthy and delights in ALL of his children ALL the time. And I think bringing to the human level, the same exists. People have the capacity to praise and to love and to pour into one friendship, and still at the very exact same time, maybe not explicitly shown, can still love and care for another. But I think people’s ability to show it is limited to their humanness. I mean we can multi-task but yeah. Wow.... I think I finally got to the heart issue of this church thing.

What is highlighted to me is V31: 31 And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.

While may not be a party, we still have the same access and I think God’s approval of daily faithfulness, weekly faithfulness without praise by man is honored and delighted by God.

Not gaining praise or that recognition or acknowledgment in the church left me feeling unimportant, not seen, if I don’t matter then why stay?

In my human understanding, I felt like I needed to seek those relationships that I see on IG in order to feel important in the church. And when my serving didn’t get the recognition, it felt like it didn’t matter so why do it?

But I am seeing the worth in daily faithfulness and even while the praise of man, the recognition of man may not be felt, it does not mean that God’s eye is not upon me, his care, and his trustworthiness for me is not with me and for me.