Hurried and Discontent

"There is nothing else. Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day. You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life. End of Story."

- The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer

Time has a funny way of interacting with us.....Or should I say we have funny way of interacting /relating with time. "Time is of the essence.....Live your best life now because you don't have a lot of time... Time is money.... Time waits for no one...Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.... ". Not just me looking up the 10 most popular quotes on "Time". (Here's the link if you're curious: https://www.actitime.com/time-management/best-time-quotes)

But time and being discontent and exhausted have been things I have been mulling over as of lately. I won't lie, today was kind of difficult... not in a life altering kind of way, but I think I can explain it with one of those long sighs kind of days.. kind of months, combined with a hum of anxiety constantly running in the background.

Lately I have been worried about many things and consumed with much that I've lost sight of God in it all until today. And these things I mention aren't "bad" things persay, but good things that have lost its place and have been misconstrued because I am placing myself at the center rather than God.

- I have been anxious... super anxious over finishing my essays and application for Kaiser. I think I finally have a sigh of relief because I finished it yesterday, but up until then, it was unending stress. And then I'll have (big maybe) interviews, find a job, find housing etc.

-I started becoming interested in this guy at church and while I think my interest hasn't become too invested, wanting to date and thinking of possibility still lingers and I find myself hoping for this to work yes, because I think it could be good for the kingdom, but at times I look to it to feel validated and worth something.

-I got jealous looking at other people from church getting together and not being invited.

-I feel resentment towards serving and not feeling cared for. Or maybe it's the pride in me that isn't getting the praise I think I deserve.

-I feel tired because I fill my schedule up to the brim with serving and meet ups and then question why I consistently do this even though I know rest is necessary and I am limited in energy

But i think with this book I've been reading (quoted above) and the sermon from today is challenging me in many ways to 1. Slow down and 2. Find the lie and replace it with truth

1. Slow down

The way I have paced myself without knowing it is almost in sync with the culture. As if doing more equates to being more. Yet time and time again, I always find myself overworked and tired and forgetting about Jesus and his glory and more caught up with myself. And really, when I peel the layers back, it comes down to this: Busyness if my way of escape... escape of feeling worthless and escape from being lonely... as if distracting myself with temporary joys to fill a God-sized hole. But right now, I took a step back from serving in 2 out of the 3 ministries and have cut back on the meet ups. I think I needed to do this so I can reset and recalibrate my heart and setting up myself for a rhythm of life that is actually life giving. I find that relationships and making myself more available to hang out my inner circle is a priority and also making time for people at church. I am so quick to complain rather than turning to prayer and being realistic that if I look at my calendar, not many LivingWay people are there... so why am I getting so upset about not being included.

2. Find the lie and replace it with truth

I think two verses came up when I was listening to the sermon today that talked about learning how Jesus fought temptation. First P Ray identified tactics of the enemy which parallels the garden of Eden 1. Doubting identity 2. Tapping into desires 3. Distortion of God's word. But what stood out to me was this quote that he said..." often we tend to doubt our identity and our belonging to God. 'If I was a son of God then I wouldn't be in this wilderness...Sons of the king don’t starve in the desert so doubt your sonship —> easy to look to God and question if you belong to God bc of our circumstance "... so in my case... IF i was a daughter of God then.... (fill in blank for what I think I want)... I would get into residency, then I would be dating the guy from church... I would be included in church hang outs.. I wouldn't have to deal with loneliness ..." But I realized.... actually, I think what the quote should say, " Because I am a daughter of God, God has led me into the wilderness to know he is the only one that can fill the void that I long to be filled". That's when I found myself praying to.... kinda unwilling but praying that God even for this week would keep me in my wilderness because withholding even these desires, it teaches me to know that God is the ONLY one that can meet all my needs and desires and it is for his glory.

So let's identify the lie:

-I want to date and be accepted by friends in the church and in my inner circle: Lie- the approval of man is the salvation I seek to feel worthy . If I am in a relationship then I am enough. Truth- Psalm 146:3-6 "Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man whom there is no salvation. When his breath departs, he returns to the earth; on that very day his plans perish. Blessed is he whose help ins the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea and all that is in them, who keeps faith forever" // Eph 1:3-6 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved"

- I want to be praised and acknowledge and am getting discouraged bc I don't feel cared for or seen by others at church despite serving. Lie- I need to be seen by others to feel important Truth- Matthew 6:1, 4 "Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will no reward from your father who is in heaven.... your father who sees in secret will reward you".

I'm not sure if I communicated everything well so here is my feeble attempt to summarize. I want to slow down my pace of life and reset in terms of serving and how I use my time. I want to be able to reorient my heart to God and his purpose so I can serve others and love others well from a place that is full, rather than a place that is seeking to be filled. I know I can ask God to withhold these things in confidence and recognize the blessings I have, I already have solid friendships and I see God working in my family and gives me small, yet life giving catch-ups at church. If it's in God's will, it will happen. But I can see the benefit of being kept in the wilderness so I can enjoy the things I desire for his purposes and not my own.

A bold prayer, yet one that I know will be so fruitful. " Keep me in the wilderness so I can say sons of the king starve in the desert so I can have confidence in my sonship and to know that my God is enough, his spirit will empower me, and that I may lead a worship-filled life that seeks God's glory above my own" . And that God in his timing, the giver of good gifts, seeks fit He would bestow them go me.