If You Only Knew

If you only knew

If you only knew the role you played in my life and how the weight of every word and action shaped me

If you only knew the love of a child did not depend on your performance but on care and love

If you only knew the way your parents raised you was not okay

If only you knew the scars you carried still affect you today

If you only knew the scars I walk with daily, fighting to undo the narrative that was given to me

If only you knew that I walk constantly scared to fail, insecure, always wondering if I'll ever be good enough

If you only knew that things you did were not okay, but that it doesn't mean I don't love you

If you only knew that we needed help and could have changed things before it was too late

If you only knew that setting boundaries and moving out was not easy for me

If you only knew that striving to be the perfect child for you was because I loved you but realized the hurtful words and burst of anger needed to stop

If you only knew that I am still not okay with the way things are

If you only knew how hurt and frustrated I can get, finding my brokenness spilling into my friendships and how I view myself

If you only knew the work and years it will take to retell a narrative that I am not the problem

If you only knew the steps I've been taking towards healing and independence

If you only knew that I still think about you and the lessons you taught me, despite all the wrong

If only you knew that I have forgiven you and will continue to wait for reconciliation

If only you knew the only reason I can do that with hope is because of Jesus

If only you knew the gospel personally and that all that God has for you

If only you knew