Let Go, Let God

I'm not going to lie that is one of the quotes I always hear but never really took a liking to. And it's probably a two fold thing, one being a control freak, I don't like surrender. And two, in some ways what we desire and hope for doesn't change, it becomes almost more cemented and praying that God would meet our expectations and desires. And I say this not because I don't believe God knows and cares about these things, He does. AND with the caveat that what we may want, may not be what God has for us.

I think I'm coming to terms with this whole break up thing. It's been interesting, a weird mix of way more trust and faith in God as well as a deep desire to someday hope to date this guy again. Maybe it's the feels, maybe it's nostalgia.. but I'm not going to lie. This one felt different on so many levels and so many conversations, but maybe I am just still caught up in it all- who knows. But I've been at this crossroads- do I stay hopeful or do I just let it go all together? I actually told myself I'd reach out once residency finishes and see what he says (knowing full well by then he might or probably would move on and what not, but it's so hard to not think of what could been without asking to see ya know? Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me, which I definitely am one, but don't easily show). And that's when I remembered the sermon P ray spoke about Zechariah and Elizabeth -"Do not be afraid, Zechariah, for your prayer has been heard". And that's when it hit me, especially as I have come to see what God is doing (TLDR: helping me see that He is ultimately everything I need). I can't be holding onto this hope that some day we will get back together. It's like me grasping onto two ropes, one leading to God and the other to the guy. And it's as if I am telling God, "okay lord, teach me to know that you are enough... with the subtle hope you'll allow this guy to come back". Ironic. I am asking God to be everything with an underlying motive of what I really want. Seeking gift and the giver.

And that's when I realized letting go completely maybe be necessary so that I can make space and give my hands room to grip to the true joy and hope which is God himself. It's hard to believe and I am feeling a little torn and stuck still if I'm going to be honest. But really, I am trying even in the midst of my grieve and desire, to step into eliminating all ways to take control / manipulate the situation and trust God and to know that God is teaching me something of more value than any relationship could (and giving me Himself which is better anyways). I know it, but my heart is sometimes slow to believe it. Last point that really nailed everything in is this 19 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust[e] destroy and where thieves break in and steal, 20 but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, 23 but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

24 “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

Matthew 6:19-24

What I'm dealing with here is the heart's desire- devotion and love. Which will it be? And I think there is a lot of grey here and one that I am slowly navigating and asking God to help me in. I think I've come to this unsettling truth that asking people for answers is a way for me to comfort my uneasiness in the unknown. While there is wisdom to be sought, I am see that setting my heart on reaching out is not the best at this time. But I also won't reject the lingering feelings of hope and thankfulness, especially as while short, this relationship felt significant, almost God ordained for some reason. And I promise, it's not the feeling, it's maybe how a lot of core things lined up and even the list I've prayed over in the past way just on point. It confuses me, but I will do my best to continue surrendering and also holding loosely with openness with what may come. Not setting my heart on anyone else besides God I guess is what I'm saying and still learning what that even means and looks like. Maybe the Lord will bring us back together, maybe he will provide someone else, but AH at last- it is just a journey of learning to let God and trust God and put my ultimate trust/ hope in God alone.

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

    and do not lean on your own understanding.

6 In all your ways acknowledge him,

    and he will make straight your paths.

7 Be not wise in your own eyes;

    fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

8 It will be healing to your flesh[b]

    and refreshment[c] to your bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8