Maximizing My Singleness

"So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God's rest has also rested from his works as God did from his"

Hebrews 4:9-10

I am tired.

I won't lie, even as an extrovert, my limits have been stretch as of late. It's not uncommon for me to fall into this cycle of saying yes more than my body or my bandwidth can handle and it's always when I hit this point of exhaustion that I begin to realize that rest is more than just a suggestion, it is necessary.

Before I get into it, I want to preface with saying that everyone I meet up with and even in serving, I love it and really do believe that God is bearing fruit and I am not doing anything out of obligation. But even good things in excess can be... difficult, not in the sense of regretting the time I spend in certain ministries or with people, but I think I tend to push the line of my limitations in energy and I am realizing that in a very short and concise way of saying this: the rhythm of my life may be focused on building my kingdom rather than God's, even though it may look godly- there is wisdom in how I use my time and energy and a fine line with how that looks and I think I am just touching the surface and still in the process of figuring out what it looks like in my life.

Many in the past and even now, have told me and encouraged me to maximize my singleness- "you'll never have this time or energy back or the ability to take a nap when you want or do whatever you basically want (but still honors God)". And for me, I think this year was the first time of having an opportunity to actively serve on different ministries and take a more logistic and leadership role in church (Young adult, children's, worship, and women's retreat, opportunity to go on a missions trip etc). Additionally, I think God's been providing a lot more consistent relationships and friendships and even new ones from LivingWay and Cross Life and some college ones as well. And it was fine, I think I've been very blessed and fortunate to be able to be used and to gain much from all these things, but it was actually at retreat where the exhaustion of all the logistics for retreat and just my flaw of people pleasing began to overcome me and I hit a point where I broke down. And that's when I knew....I was doing too much! And at this time, I was already trying to really ask the question of how to maximize my singleness in a way that doesn't lead to burn out. But yeah one thing led to another and I realized at women's retreat, i was already deep into burn out and that I still had this deep-seeded insecurity of my worth and identity in being needed- I need to be needed in order to matter to anyone. A false belief indeed, but one that I still operate out of. But it began this process of thinking about how to serve and plan my calendar in a way that truly maximizes me singleness rather than just wearing myself out and running on a deficit.

And now coming out of a very fruitful, but 4 fulls days in a row of socializing, my pastor hits me with a sermon on rest and Sabbath. He explained how easy it is to see it as option when in reality it like any other command calls for obedience. And we all hear this but something that pastor James really highlighted for me that was new was this: God established the Sabbath in Exodus and then in Deuteronomy. The first in Exodus, being one of the longest commandments of the ten commandments and alludes to God establishing creation and this rhythm of 6 days of work and 1 day of rest. God rested and called it blessed and holy (which is so interesting that the Sabbath is the first to be called holy in the Bible- fun fact!). And the intention of God in Exodus is that day of rest would remind us to remember that God is our great provider and in that we delight and worship BUT WHAT BLEW MY MIND is when pastor James talked and referenced the 10 commandments in Deuteronomy bc you would think it would be the exact same thing, but it's not! Hear me out, in Deut. it continues with keeping the Sabbath as holy and then says this "You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the Lord your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the Lord your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day." In a short summary, basically Sabbath is a reminder that we are no longer a slave to our worth and our value in doing more, the feeling of needing or wanting more, or being more that we tend to seek through working rather than resting. So in a sense, this lack of ability to rest and take a true Sabbath is an identity issue- or in other words, a question I had to ask myself - why do I keep saying yes to so many serving opportunities and people to hang out ( and it's not even the amount of hang outs more than just trying to cram 3 different hang outs in one week)?

And not to my surprise, it seems to be a very similar conviction to where I found myself in Women's retreat- I still find my identity in wanting to be needed to be important and even falling into this self-sufficiency and wanting deny my limits of energy when the reality is, when I pass my limits, I feel depleted and honestly loose sight of why I do what I do.

Which brings me to this idea of having wisdom and even a reminder that even pursuing seemingly godly things. If I am not coming from a place of abiding and finding my identity in Christ, I can deceive myself in thinking that I am building up the kingdom of God when in reality, I may just be building up my own. And I think it was really tempting just to feel like clearing my schedule or setting goals or changing the external things first would help, but I am aware that if I don't take time to address the heart, my efforts to stop this cycle of overworking will result in the same patterns. My pastor stated perfectly "We can rest from our work bc he (Christ) defines us, he is my identity and my worth and until you see it, you will never find rest from your work".

I write this with hope that in some ways is accountability for those I send this to and those who read it. So game plan? I admit that my time in the word and with God has been shallow and that I've been serving and running on fumes so first and foremost, my priority is to abide and make spending time in God's word as important as I prioritize running and working out. Next, I have decided to say no to any future mission trips, not bc I don't care for the cause, but I think taking more on would be unwise and be counter to finding a rhythm that is life giving and coming from a place of being full. In reference to serving opportunities, I and some friends have been praying about doing children's ministry or worship and I decided to stick it out with children's ministry. I initially was hesitant bc it felt like the kids there don't sing or care and I was reminded that the need for that ministry is greater and that while I can't always see the results, I can entrust God with sewing the seeds and again with this whole need for affirmation, yeah it's a reminder that my role is to not seek affirmation from man but to see the importance of praying for the kid's souls and serving them in whatever capacity I can. I plan to do worship only if there are 5 Sunday's in a month because I want to keep 2 Sundays free. And yeah with meet ups, I think keeping it to two in the middle of the week with a rest day in between and then for Saturdays, if possible not doubling up (depending on who it is too). And starting to think and pray about being mentored about this and even using this time to yes be present, but also prepare for possible desires to date and use these lessons for how I live in the future. Anyways, these are my thoughts and really just setting up a rhythm that seeks to ultimately build God's kingdom up and not my own.