Mr. Right

Update on Life part 1:

Well, this isn't the biggest thing that has happened since i stopped writing for almost 2 years. But I will say it is the freshest thing in my life so writing about it is a little bit easier. Who knows if this guy will be reading it, I was thinking about asking for permission but it may have been an excuse to talk to him again and permission for who to read it? All 2 people?! I appreciate your loyalty to reading my lengthy blogs 2 years later. I promise this one is a good one to start with. You know why? Because for some odd reason, whenever someone brings up that they are dating or in a relationship- they automatically just become 10x more interested ( maybe it's just me and the church culture lol).

Without further ado? I do? Lol just kidding- yes I was dating, emphasize was.

I went on hinge to start on the mysterious journey of dating. It was a good experience and something i really appreciate, but I am taking a break since I recently broke it off with one of the guys I dated for almost 3 months. I dated a guy before that and I could tell he was not it, not saying it was a bad first date, it actually went really well. But I could tell he didn't prioritize God and he loved the dodgers too much ( just kidding about the last part).

But this second guy, oh man, I put a lot of hope on him. But let's be honest, I should have seen signs early on, it took us like a month and a half of talking before we actually went on our first date which was really fun! But I had to bring up his intentions conversations and a lot of what drove him was fears. And I think that was something that was a common theme in this whole dating thing. Our first date was so much fun, played basketball and then walked and talked around the great park in Irvine (picture above), then got dinner and then walked around target smelling candles. I still do that because it reminds me of him lol Sorry yes I still have feelings alright and hope it could work if this or that happened. It's natural, sue me lol. After that date and just texting him, there are a lot of things I really appreciated about him. He has and still does have a pretty similar past as me and yet he is one who has a deep love for God and for others, especially his family. I appreciate his quiet yet thoughtful nature. He was one who loved to talk about social issues and not shy away from voicing unpopular (not like he was divisive but he would take the perspective that many people may not see). He was really funny when we went shopping and looked for pre workout and clothes for work- his saying was "Dress how you want to feel and be". Huge on self-awareness and wanting to push himself never to settle whether it be a small business he would want to start with his buddies or even looking for a new job/ moving out of his parents. It's something I admired about him. And then to hear his thoughts on Jesus, it was always encouraging. But even in this there was a lot of disconnect- not just in how we communicated but the amount of communication. I definitely had some mistakes like trying to take control of a situation and texting him a long paragraph to tell him my concerns, wow- major regrets. But yeah i think on his end, he was kind of half in and half out but I never knew why. And I think that was the running theme and especially with someone who struggles with anxiety attachment issues ( yay for mommy issues), I was constantly confused and searching for some type of validation that this guy still wanted to do this. After my little freak out which he handled well with a lot of understanding and grace, things went back to normal after our second date but there was initiation of a third. I waited. Maybe he needed time to figure out his thoughts and feelings? Maybe after voicing my concern was too much for him?

But one event led to another where texts began to further dragged out and cancelled plans brought me to the point of deciding whether it was worth staying in. I actually gave myself a deadline- June 22. Should I stay or should I go? * drop a beat *lol. Again it wasn't because I didn't like him or that he was a bad guy. I would say he is actually a really good guy and i think that's why it was a hard decision made easy with the things leading up to it. He would use work and moving out as excuses but I knew they were just that. At one point I thought this guy ghosted me. But anyways, skipping the details, I ended up looking at things objectively and it was more than clear that we were not on the same page or the same pace in what we wanted or were willing to give. And that's okay, but I just wish he was more upfront and honest. Anyways, yay for round 2 for bringing up hard conversations. We ended up texting and agreeing on just being friends, not really sure how that's going to look in the future since we never saw each other before. But all that to say that is my dating experience so far. Will we talk in the future? who knows. I hope so, but it's hard to navigate something where you only knew each other because you tried to date each other. it doesn't help not having many mutual close friends or being in the same space like ever. Could we date in the future? I wouldn't be opposed to it. I think we both have our fears and traumas to work through first and I honestly haven't seen the comfortable, silly, and fun side of him so i wouldn't know. But I would be open to learning to that but it would be on him to initiate and take the lead.

Some things I learned from this experience (about myself and dating in general):

• It made me see the importance of my holiness not just for dating but I think seeing that how my relationship is with God and with sin can affect him without knowing it.

• I learned to be okay with not feeling bound to make decisions based on other people's assumed opinion. It's something I did a lot, I would and wouldn't do things because I put so much weight on how I would assume people would react. When in reality, they didn't care not like they didn't care about me but my friends are still my friends whether I hang out with someone else or not. So that habit broke after 7 months of having that mindset- super unhealthy but hey look at dating break that.

• Don't tell so many people before it becomes official. I think it's cool to be like I'm talking to someone to my close close friends, but man I may have told too many people but i think it's because i honestly believed it could lead to be official. I think I will use more wisdom.

• Don't chase the boy more than he is. I am surprised that it never touched my self- worth too much, but I think when he wasn't initiating questions or dates, it left me confused. I think I really want a guy who isn't necessarily sure about me, but someone who is sure to be present in the process.

• Dating isn't everything. I think this is probably biggest lesson. I think this is one of those thorn in my sides, life long things I will constantly learn, but I have the tendency to put my identity very quickly in anything or anyone besides Jesus. And I think my break from texting this boy and dating in general is really a reset from it all. I recently wrote about my lack of repentance and I think i pray more for God to grant my desires than asking for him to make Jesus my only desire that matters. Not good friendships, a boy friend, - basically the two idols of my heart in all honesty, oh yeah being a good PT, being known for being funny and well liked by those around me. But while having covid, i've had a lot of time to realize while these things aren't bad, I really want to be okay with doing things on my own and not need people and to be confident in the cross and Jesus being who i desire. Only God can do it and I'm excited to see what God will do in these next couple of months.

• Don't try to control situations especially when emotional. So the one time I freaked out on him was because I felt insecure and scared he didn't want to get to know me even though he confessed he liked me. I should have left it at that, literally my biggest regret. But i was upset and sort of confused by one our conversations and freaked out and reacted emotionally to try to somehow control what made me feel out of control.

In terms of dating in general....

• Communication is everything. I didn't think I was someone to be so bold and straight forward but I guess when someone else isn't being forward, I feel ever so inclined to be. But I need someone who will reassure me and someone who won't allow me to feel confused with where they're at, even if it means they don't want to date me, at least have the balls to tell me.

• I think I need someone who is not only strong in their faith, but I need someone who takes initiative and is willing to be themselves. I understand it takes time and I'm okay with it, but again ^^ Communicate lol.

• I need a texter. HAHA I always tell people I don't like texting and tbh I would not choose texting as my main form of communication. But I think I realized texting someone you like is very different lol. I became a texter when i liked this guy haha. And again, if you can't text me back just let me know that and we are all good. I understand we are all busy and have our own lives.

• Have fun with it. I think I am still learning to have fun and enjoy the process versus being miss serious and deep talks. While those are good, I think enjoying and being present with the person is something I am learning I appreciate a lot.

And lastly, I don't think there is such thing as Mr. Right. I'm excited for what God has in store, not sure what, but I am sure God will provide in His timing and in his sovereignty and all I have to do entrust it. I pray for the guy I'm dating and for myself, not that we would come back together but that we would individually grow in trust and surrender to the One who knows us best and wants nothing more than what's for our best.

I think that's basically it, lol yay for a new blog post. A couple more coming your way on PT school and the crazy stuff that happened during that. I have wanted to write about it but never found the time, now with covid and still testing positive, I have a lot of time haha