Needing God More than I Know

It’ been a month and a half since I wrote my last blog. It’s been a bit chaotic and exhausting. Mini updates before I start, I recently began a job as a coffee barista, making coffees at Intelligentsia, at a hotel so not only am I a barista, but a waitress, cashier, and Buser. Not going to lie but it was a mini dream of mine to work at a hotel, to work as a barista, and as a waitress and God gave it to me 3 in 1. Only God could do that. But in the midst of this transition I will say it has been difficult keeping up with spending quality time with Him. I’ve been reading and praying, but not truly meeting with Him. I’ve been seeing how easy the line of relying him versus myself began to blur ever so subtly. Thankfully in his grace, He allowed me to see it through my failures of grumbling at work rather than having joy, growing irritable at my parents, freaking out when I lost control over finances- all things of the flesh rather than spirit. It woke me up and I just felt this pull to sit down and write on my day off. Sit down with my Father and brought me back to abiding in him first and foremost and also showed me areas where I was not allowing him in. Inner being struggles no one sees nor do i want to admit or think about, yet God sees and revealed it to me to show me that I need him more than I know and care to admit. ( Dialogue between God and I)

• You have been raised in a guilt drive, shame filled, condemning upbringing . You always say sorry in times when I don’t need to and always take the blame because that is my habitual way of solving problems. It’s always your fault. And this could because because your mom herself actually does that herself and began to shift the guilt, blame, and our mistakes constantly onto us. She would remind You of your mistakes and our past that it was hard to run, so we just absorbed. But the passage that came to mind was Zephaniah 3:14-20 : but emphasis on , the lord has taken away the judgements against you. Or 1 John 1:9- If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness - This is the promise He has for us - he is just because he died for you, and he is able to clean any and all wrong doing. Small and large, you are clean! 

• Unbelief - there is unbelief in my closeness and knowledge of Me ( God). I gave you a glimpse of praying over someone telling them that Jesus is with them, his right hand is upholding you and has never left (Psalm 63:8). Little did you know that was you praying over yourself. You are not yet convinced of who I am - I am your father who is always near to you, the one who made you perfectly and shaping and molding you to be like Me. I love you more than you can know, abide in my love. ( john 15) -Me: Lord yes, I want to be convinced and in full belief of who you are in every aspect of my heart, mind, and soul. I want to believe in you more fully by the power of the Holy Spirit. Let me see more of you in each day, in each reading, in each sermon, in each walk. Lord I am yours. Make me yours. ( Psalm 139- you are acquainted with al my ways, even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it all together 

• Body image because you don’t think you attractive because boys don’t like you - But you are wonderfully and fearfully made. No mistakes. Perfectly made in my eyes . You need to know your worth in me before anyone else can tell you, I am telling you right now. Man will always fall short, but not me. For I am your God, your creator! 

• You believe a lie that you are a burden to others, lacking close relationships- Deut 31:7-8: THen Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the sight of all Israel, Be strong and courageous, for you shall go with this people into the land the lord has sworn to their fathers to give them, and you shall it them in possession of it. It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed”  

As I was thanking God for digging up things I don’t want to look at, He revealed something deeper about himself and our misconception of Him. In the world, we think of God as a judge and rightly so. But as we see God in the fullness of his holiness, perfection and the standards that we are called to, it is easy to think that on the other side of our sin is guilt, shame, and condemnation. Which is a correct response, but IN Jesus, on the other side of seeing our ugliness of sin, there is actually grace, mercy, love, and kindness. With every unrighteousness that God revealed, there was his word that acknowledged my sin for what it is, but did not leave it there. Instead he promised more grace, mercy, and love abundantly- hope in the midst of it all.

To be loved and cared for in the deepest ways that are unheard of. The world tells you to buy more, succeed more, gain more of this or that, change this or that. BE this or that. If anything, the world’s standards are becoming seemingly impossible and if you make it there, far too often we find that even successful people are still empty. If they are satisfied with that, then i will say that their satisfaction and joy standards are utterly low. Because we were made for more. We were made to seek and savor the glory of God and nothing less. Some how our natural inclination , I saw this especially in love is blind, people just want to be loved and accepted for who they are. Without a mask, without having to put a show with all that we have and do. They just want to be known and loved without hiding. God gives us that freedom, he loves us so much and his grace and love reaches over all unrighteousness , he can cleanse it all. He loves us so much that he won’t leave us to seek anything less than what we were made for: himself. Burn down the false gods, the false hopes, idols in our lives - sex, money, lying, insecurities, anger, malice, ( Col 3) and put on as his beloved , holy, and chosen ones- we are already these things to God and as such, we should put compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forgiveness. Lord I pray that this month will be marked by the gospel shaping every aspect of my life. In good or bad, in mundane or insane. Let it all be shaped by your very word. 

It’s easy to get caught up in our failures and the things we aren’t doing enough for God. But I am constantly reminded that even in the midst of fighting sin, hardship, and other battles we face, big or small, God has allowed you to be alive because 1. He is not done with you 2. He has purposed each day for your good and his glory. And in each day, we need him more than we know. And there is this story that constantly reminds me that God honestly doesn’t need us, but we need him abundantly more than we know and he works for us more than we know.

2 Samuel 7:1-12 ( TLDR: David commits to building a house for the LORD, but God in turns says He will do much, much more than build a physical house for David, but will build a kingdom through David for the sake of God’s name and glory) “Now when the king lived in his house and the Lordhad given him rest from all his surrounding enemies,2 the king said to Nathan the prophet, “See now, I dwell in a house of cedar, but the ark of God dwells in a tent.”3 And Nathan said to the king, “Go, do all that is in your heart, for the Lord is with you.”

4 But that same night the word of the Lord came to Nathan, 5 “Go and tell my servant David, ‘Thus says the Lord: Would you build me a house to dwell in? 6 I have not lived in a house since the day I brought up the people of Israel from Egypt to this day, but I have been moving about in a tent for my dwelling. 7 In all places where I have moved with all the people of Israel, did I speak a word with any of the judges[a] of Israel, whom I commanded to shepherd my people Israel, saying, “Why have you not built me a house of cedar?”’ 8 Now, therefore, thus you shall say to my servant David, ‘Thus says the Lord of hosts, I took you from the pasture, from following the sheep, that you should be prince[b] over my people Israel. 9 And I have been with you wherever you went and have cut off all your enemies from before you. And I will make for you a great name, like the name of the great ones of the earth. 10 And I will appoint a place for my people Israel and will plant them, so that they may dwell in their own place and be disturbed no more. And violent men shall afflict them no more, as formerly,11 from the time that I appointed judges over my people Israel. And I will give you rest from all your enemies. Moreover, the Lord declares to you that the Lord will make you a house.”