October 2020

“But they and our fathers acted presumptuously and stiffened their neck and did not obey your commandments.They refused to obeyand were not mindful of the wonders that you performed among them, but they stiffened their neck and appointed a leader to return to their slavery in Egypt. But you are a God ready to forgive,gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and did not forsake them.” ( Nehemiah 9:16-17)

October 2020. Was reminded of blogging by a friend who asked for a update about life. Life has been a roller coaster throughout this past month, life moving swiftly and quickly and jumping from one emotion to another. But God has been good, He truly has. I feel like my mind usually knows and understands what God is doing, or likes to believe I do. But I think this month has many small lessons and trials but have continually pointed me to fall back on the God of old and the God who never changes.

This month has been difficult with family. My grandpa on my mom’s side has been having declining health within the past year, but it was this month when my aunts and my mom have been on 24 hour care and taking him to the ER every 2 days. His blood oxygen levels have been severely low even with transfusion, his kidneys are beginning to fail, and it is nearing the end. I think death has been something I’ve been so easy to push aside, even if it’s people I know. It’s easier to not let the pain affect me and not care, but I anticipate his death as something that will weigh heavily. I think it’s been growing because he isn’t saved. At every family gathering he always calls me over to not get so serious about my faith, don’t get too deep, God is imaginary to help people with their mental state, God has been made up by people. It sucks to face the reality of what may come if God doesn’t do something now. But as his health has been declining, the anxiety and stress has been rising exponentially. My mom especially has been on edge, but that makes complete sense, I’m not sure how I would be handling the situation if I was in her situation. All that to say, please pray for his salvation. But this situation really shook me, it was the first time I ever felt my anxiety physically and affected my sleep since college. But then again I did ask God to knock me off the self-sufficiency boat. But it‘s crazy in the same week, my grandma fractured her collarbone while walking, and then my grandpa began to going to the ER multiple times in a short time, and then other things like school starting soon etc. It felt overwhelming . But thank the Lord for community coming around me and praying and seeing God move in and through prayers , generously by his grace. And also to see my mom’s heart to go to her small group and ask them to give her an opportunity to share about Jesus.

So that’s been the hardest part at the beginning, but I think it’s easy to forget and want to go into the out of sight and out of mind.

This month I have been going through Nehemiah and let me tell you it’s been hard, partially because lately it’s been easy to be self-sufficient. These past few months have been feeling like, kind of going through the motions with half of my heart. Like I knew and understood what to say and what to and serve and pray and read the Bible, but I think I’ve also been noticing my hope slowly and subtly became more consumed with other things. It was growing anxious over my grandparents situation, the fires, the earthquakes, being upset about covid, but the main thing has actually been wanting a boyfriend! URGH those hallmark movies really tug at my heart and move those desires in some type of way. And I know that it’s not a bad desire, but I think it began to precedence over God. And as I’ve been seeing my mind wander and just get caught up in the day to day without being completely intentional to glorify God, it was really really easy for me to cruise. My worship began to run dry and stale, despite even the good blessings like finding a really cool new group of friends at Living way and beginning to hang out with them or having intentional meet ups with college friends, I feel like I could feel some type of disconnect, so what do I do? I resolve to do better. My natural inclination as always. It’s a blessing and a curse I think to be sensitive to sin for me. Because it easy for me to logic things out and to try to automatically find a solution. Fix this, worship this way, pray this way, read the word like that Etc. But yeah so my heart began to pray like OH i need more genuine worship.. how do I get myself to have that? By having a clearer understanding of the weight of sin and Jesus’ sacrifice. All things true, but let’s be real, our hearts are prone to wander and it’s not like I can will myself to genuine worship and that... that’s the most humbling part. Anyways as I was reading Nehemiah and just really asked God to move because I was not feeling this book, was just trying to get to Esther. I stumbled upon the verse above “ But you God are ready to forgive..” And that just stopped me in my tracks. And you know when that verse lands and your eyes just become open? Your mind and your heart begins to just worship God And just find freedom? When I read this verse I felt free and I just asked God like why is this standing out ? I don’t understand. But it completely makes sense because yes I need to confess, pray, and read and do all these things, but I think in all of that I forgot about forgiveness that was given through Christ and just that emphasis that God is READY to forgive, it’s not like he withholds it frugally. But He is eager to forgive us when we confess. And I think that’s when I realized the subtle pride in me that fell back into my old habits of needing to earn and meet a certain standard before people and even before God. If I don’t feel like I worship with enough faith or take opportunities i think I ought, I resolve to do better ( which isn’t bad) but when it becomes about earning God’s approval rather than genuinely wanting to honor God and just telling God where I might have messed up. I don’t know there is just so much freedom in knowing that God is ready and eager to forgive and if you read on, He is faithful to never leave. If you are his in Christ, there is nothing too big for God to forgive. Sorry this ended up being very long but definitely needed in order to process this revelation that has restored my soul to seeing God as He is.

But quick praises, God has given me a really cool group of younger people at Living way to start hanging out with after church. And I was able to share the gospel to one of my coworkers! It was a little everywhere but in ( an actual) brief summary, I was able to share about sin and how it entered the world and how it broke the relationship between us even being able to even know God and how the consequence of sin is death ( spiritual manifested physically) . And that it was Jesus who was sinless, yet took all our sin and chose to die on our behalf. And was able to show the significance of Jesus rising being so crucial because without the resurrection, Jesus would have no power over sin and death. Anyways thanks for reading this far, this is how just October has went. Now it’s starting to prepare for PT school and anticipating the season of studying once again!

- E.O.