Self-Sufficiency and Security (Part 1)

SO I HAVE BEEN A BALL OF ANXIETY

The last week has been insanely difficult. I think everything and anything has shaken me to the core, the absolute core. I have felt so much anxiety that I haven’t been eating right, been going to bed worried at midnight or later, not going to the gym as I normally would, always feeling exhausted , break downs multiple times a day... I’m not okay, well I go through bouts of being okay and I know this is a very layered thing and I just want to explain how I’ve been feeling honestly and candidly and the things that have been stressing out.

It all started out when I found out that financial aide would not give me the full amount that I asked for. Basically need 10K, but they only 5K total. This put a huge stressor on me, not only because I just agreed to move in with Gloria and the total expense with utilities is sizable and thankfully I took out more money than I should’ve or I would have been losing my ish a lot faster and a lot more which is seemingly impossible by seeing the way I have been reacting. So once that happened and talking to Abby probably didn’t help but I went on a rampage of just applying to as many PT aide jobs and reaching out to so many people, I think in the last 4 days, I applied to close to 8 different places on indeed. And granted, I would get things back but they either need full time or because of the short amount of time I am able to work (Nov-March) they can’t accept me. I have been candid especially with PT places with the amount of time I can work but let’s be real, not many people would do it. It just isn’t efficient. So I got discouraged 3 days in and began to beak down and freak out that God wouldn’t provide. I needed to call Ruth and just keep venting to Michelle and Britt both which encouraged me to try to trust God and go to God. Great thoughts, great thoughts but that doesn’t bring money in does it? So someone suggested I tell Gloria, but honestly I have enough to cover rent and I am honestly just short 2K at the end of all the expenses but that’s like depleting my savings in the process. And so this led me to make decisions off of anxiety, not wise ones, but ones that were purely based on emotion to fix the problem, but time and time again, making impulsive decisions usually don't have the best results and I tend to feel like I need to keep fixing but usually it makes it worse. So there’s that I need address in myself but the whole anxiety and worry about financial security that has impeded my daily function, yeah there is something else there.

Back in college, I had to live one what it seemed paycheck by paycheck. Constantly making sure that I don’t spend here or there, having to say no to a lot of hangouts and either being too busy working and studying and feeling like I missed out on building relationships. That’s why in PT school, the fact I didn’t have to work and be so consumed about whether or not I had enough was so much fun and not that I would spend radically and crazy irresponsible on the day to day. But yeah I would take a trip here and there bc I was never allowed to or was restricted by money. And here I am again. I didn’t realize that money was a place of security until this and how easily and much I can be shaken by it. I didn’t realize how much I trusted my sight rather than the word of God, how much I reacted on my feelings and emotions rather than waiting patiently in faith. And I think this worry is layered with many things.

• I think back in college being short in money led me to manipulate and use people and expect people to help me and I saw the selfishness and greed because I didn’t believe God would provide for me. I fear I would do this again.

• Because I had to study and work so much, I saw that my time in relationships were limited and I think for me, friendships and relationships are everything and I think that having the security in money and time or I think I just have this expectation that I thrive and feel at peace and secure when I have a sufficient amount of time and money to give to people instead of being in need or being in a deficit.

• I don’t like to depend on God for my needs when it comes to finances.... I think it is something that is too tangible and too real to have to trust God in it. Like trusting God with providing energy or strength or the capacity to be holy.... It’s like I know I need God for these things, but if I am going to be honest, a part of me will confess that sometimes I think I can do it on my own. But when it comes to money, it’s like if I don’t have it, I don’t have it and I am in a deficit that is tangibly felt. It is putting me in a place of desperation (and let’s not forget anxiety and stress and worry) that I don’t think any other thing has. I mean I stressed about residency and getting in , but it’s like one of those things that I would love to get in but the worse thing that could happen is that I apply next year/ Like same with relationship, the worse thing that can happen is that I am single and discontent for a time. BUT MONEY, lacking or the idea I won't be taken care of un 4 months- it is making me desperately needy. And I’ll confess I am a slow learner in having faith. My doubt to getting into residency- God provided slowly and then quickly, quicker than I could have anticipated. I was worried my anxious text would have caused Gloria to back out, but she didn’t and I did tell her that most things got in order. I think I realize I have a lot more time to apply to a job than I initially thought. Now money- I feel like I have done everything in my power and have been so consumed to find a job for that security and peace. But as I write, I can see how that if God just gave me what I wanted, it would be like a thank you Jesus moment and then I feel like I would find that security and then quickly look to self-sufficiency I have operated on.

All this has revealed that I find peace in having control and being self-sufficient. And it’s not like God is just sitting on his throne being like, sorry Erika, I ran out of power and money for you - good luck. I hope that’s not the case, I mean if there is anything I’m learning is learning how to pray God’s promises back to him but I do it in demanding way- like Lord you say you will release the righteous from all his troubles.... LORD I AM IN A TROUBLE! But as Ruth reminded me in James, 1: 2-4. And it's not like God is disregarding my worries and anxieties, in fact he says come to me with prayer and thanksgiving, but I think there is something that God is teaching me here:

“2 Count it all joy, my brothers,[a] when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

In some versions it says patience. There is a patient waiting in the story that allows you to be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. This then reminds me of John 15, where it talks about abiding and the vine and the branch and it states the end, “5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

I would have never put these two verses together and if it’s heretical, someone call me out, but what if this concept that trials and tribulations and being patient in them cause me to release this self-sufficiency and go to Jesus and in going to Jesus and abiding in him is what causes in me is to lack nothing. Right? Like so many verses and songs say like when you have Jesus, you have everything. Let that sit. I need that to sink.

And a part of me wants to just be like JESUS I read your word, I’m going to pray, now can you please fix the situation! HELLO! But I think now that I think about it with a clear mind, I can see. Like Lord you have provided for today and I can be confident that you will supply every need tomorrow (Thank you Ruth for that truth). “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God” Matthew 4:4.

To put it simply, maybe my prayer is not that God will supply abundantly, but to provide enough- enough for me to really be okay that I may be financially insecure in this season, but even so, that God would give me the eyes and the heart to abide in him and relinquish a self-sufficiency that has been deeply rooted and highly revealed in financial insecurity and all the baggage that comes along with it (fears, anxiety, ties to friendships, etc). I’m grateful for my friends , Ruth, and my mom actually who have been constantly pointing me back to trusting the faithfulness, the goodness, and the promises of God and to fight the lies of enemy and the stress and anxiety with God’s truth. SO the story is not complete, it is still being written, we shall see how God faithfully provides and teaches me, but in the mean time, I will actively choose rest and trust even when everything in me falls into anxiety and worry. And although I may be far from perfect, it is in my weakness that God's strength will be displayed. To the praise of glorious grace.