Suffering Sucks.

Suffering sucks. But in essence it is something that teaches us what the Bible holds so profoundly. I think it’s really easy to sway towards one extreme to the other, but the Bible speaks of such deep balance of sorrow and hope in the midst of suffering. Many say if you’re sad you’re not having enough faith in God or something along those lines, but I strongly believe God cares about what we care about, but cares more for us to comfort us in our sorrow while pointing us to what we truly need-Himself.  

In the last season, I felt like I lost myself in many things- mostly anger and disappointment. Again, the breakup, the mold issue, the inconvenience of sickness in the holidays- it just kept coming and felt like it wasn’t going to stop. It brought me to a place where I just wanted to be by myself, not talking or meeting up with people and even in that, I felt the weight of disappointing people, unable to fulfill my word etc. I’m not sure if anyone else has experienced it, but in short, it felt like pain and hurt came rushing in with the new wave of struggles from the current situation and even past situations. Suffering sucked. 

And then I went to PIHOP. I think it was helpful because a lot of the words were encouraging and also helped me feel seen in the confusing and unsettling thoughts and emotions. God saw and still sees and that was a step to waking up from this slumber. And then P Jake preached a message on the Leper in Matthew and went over the sermon on the mount, but what stood out to me was this: do we desire comfort over Christ-likeness? Do we see how much sin touches everything in us and around us so much that we need a savior? Healing in this context did not just mean the physical manifestation, but also a deep soul salvation. Do I know that I need a healer? 

And then lastly, on Sunday before church, I had to do a drug test for residency. And usually these are easy money, no problem. But this time, I could barely get a few centimeters worth of pee in the jar and had to wait 45 minutes at least (and drink a lot of water and a lot of coffee). In that time, I was like “man I need to get church... I want to pray...” And I was tempted to try again in the next 10 minutes. But the guy told me if I try again too early, my body is going to make me wait even longer! And it was in that moment where I realized... the life of waiting.. sometimes also feels like suffering. But like this drug test, a lot of things don’t happen when we want and the Bible even speaks to this- 1. The necessity of waiting in life in general (literally everyone has to do it- take Abraham and Moses) and 2. The balance of hopeful patience in the waiting (https://godsfingerprints.co/blogs/blog/verses-about-waiting-on-the-lord?srsltid=AfmBOoodkwnyUOCdn_4um9kNM8mwBCj7s_avQjtMu7_xBralxq_j5O_D ) And that’s when it hit me, much of life and suffering may be not so much curbed from pain if we learn to wait well, but maybe grant me a new perspective in learning that waiting is just something you do in life, a lesson that needs to be accepted and then two, learning what my hope should be in WHILE also balancing desires, disappointments and other emotions. It’s a both and situation. 

In other words- in this season I am seeing a few things. Suffering sucks because really it’s learning to cope with the effects of sin around us and within is. It’s a sense of constant loss and grieving what we truly yearn for and feeling the gap of what we hope and what we actually get. In my finsta I explained it like this “ And that’s what I realized going into Jan- I think I’ve been feeling the limitedness … the limited capacity this world can actually offer. My heart seeks things God can only fill and yet I reach for so many temporary pleasures that only last a little while and I get upset, disappointed, etc. I’ve learned this world is broken, I feel it more than I have before. And I also been learning that God’s promises are sure but may not always come to fruition (Hebrews 11) on this side of heaven. And lastly, I’ve learned that learning to wait with hope and patience is SO key to live in a world that yearns for Jesus, even more than we even know.” And this sums it up. My own suffering and even now seeing the fires and wars - our world is broken. And suffering is just this constant, deep seeded feeling of groaning for better things and my hope is that it points me and everyone to the only one that can- Jesus. I have sought to keep and maintain the small joys, yet they come and go just as the day comes and goes. One day everything is fine and the next it’s not. And the Bible, again is so wise because the creator has not left us without understanding. But I think it’s when God truly allows us to deeply grasp it with our hearts instead of heads is when we gain more of Him and a more heavenly perspective. 

Suffering sucks. I know it far too well and see it far too often. But there is space to both grieve the desires and hopes, while also maintaining our true hope that is to come in Jesus and knowing He is with us every step of the way. May this year be marked with that kind of hope and that kind of peace, not based on circumstances, relationships, or accomplishments, but in the name of Jesus alone.