The Perfect Friend

Welcome back, I hope this blog finds you well.. just kidding. Recently, friendships and relationships have been on my mind and honestly a source of anxiety. But not in the same way as it was before. If anything, instead of growing anxious over one specific friend as per usual in the past, it's been more about asking the big question: how do I develop new friendships at church and a genuine care for the other. And I know I've mentioned this but genuine care in a sense of- how does one care for someone else without it becoming transactional (treating them well bc I need something from them) or constantly going from extreme ends of trusting someone with everything or trusting no one with anything. And I pause because really this is what I wanted to discuss and process.

As of lately, I've been growing a greater openness for friendships at church. With PT school finished, feeling more confident in my college friends (trusting they are good without the same consistency as before), I have finally seen the need to develop deeper friendships at church. And God has provided- meeting up with people I click with, someone asking me to be their accountability partner, meeting up with families/ moms, etc. But in that, there's this old, yet pronounced habit of overcommitting to too many things. I think it comes from a fear that if I don't make time for people, they will just assume I'm always busy and won't make time for them. So then, I find myself saying yes to everything and then realize I'm placing too much on my calendar. And then I get overwhelmed and just start clearing my calendar. And while I feel less anxiety, there still is this unrest and subtle anxiety that grips me. And I'm like WTH- I am literally trying to slow down and change the problem. And then it hit me- maybe the problem isn't really the problem. Maybe stacking my schedule isn't the problem and I would argue that even the people pleasing aspect that contributes to it isn't the problem either.

No, no... well people pleasing is and isn't the problem. Think about a car, its speed, and gasoline. The car and the wheel is me and as my therapist says, there are different parts of us that take the steering wheel at different times. I would say I operate out of my true self in Christ, anxiety, fear, and joy a lot of the times. They're kind of shuffling and switching depending on the situation. Then I think of the speed as how I structure my calendar- if it's packed and busy, we are def going 80mph and driving over the speed limit. Then in comparison, with me trying to slow down and clear my schedule, we'll just say it's a good 45 mph lol. But the question is, why did my initial solution to my anxiety (aka clearing my calendar), leave me still feeling anxious?! I thought slowing down was the answer. I think it's because often times, I tend to look at the speed and other parts of the car and not the gas that is actually driving it.

Anxiety might be driver of the car, but the question is what motivates anxiety to drive in the first place? And that right there really is the big question to answer. And that's why I realized, no matter if I keep my calendar busy or clear, I am still a ball of anxiety. And it might be bc truly (while I do think there is wisdom in honoring capacity and limits), my fuel behind it all is this: I fear disappointing and failing others bc I believe it will result in not being approved/ valued/ cared for.

In essence, I am operating in friendships (new and old), relationships with authority, or really just anything that I do with this lens of - "can I engage in this friendship or a task without failing?". In some respects, I have vowed to never fail bc I've judged it will result in rejection. As a result, I've been shaping my life and decisions to avoid it at all cost. I think it makes sense why I am so extreme in the way I see things consciously or subconsciously. For example in friendships- If I feel like I can't meet your needs perfectly, I'll keep my distance from you. But if I feel comfortable and safe and want to keep this friendship, I'll pour everything into it in order to not fail or disappoint you. I think that's why friendship and relationships in general just feel so daunting and feels like such a big decision when in reality, it's not that big of deal. I think it's important to care about friendships, but I see how tangled and tied my identity is to being that "perfect friend" that at this point (when in an unhealthy state), sometimes caring and doing well in friendships is a means to care for myself more than them.

In conclusion, I think this feels like a big milestone in not only realizations in how I operate, but even coming to this place of prayer and asking the Lord to help me in this. I think I have been living my life in a way that always asks: how can I protect myself from being hurt rather than how can I live for Jesus and loving others well? And I think it starts with unpacking and building a true biblical lens of what it means for God to be my protector, provider, and purpose. I'm not too sure if it's accurate to put it in such a formula, but I do truly feel like God is leading me into a season where He is breaking the bonds of perfection and walls I've been hiding behind for years and replacing it with Himself.

"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,

    my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,

    my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."

Psalm 18:2