Valued Decisions

Valued Decisions

There’s this concept we learned in ethics called valued decision and like it sounds, it explains this idea that what you value and prioritize is what you shape majority, if not all on your decisions on. One of the decisions I’ve recently been wrestling with has to do with future. I am graduating physical therapy school in December of 2023 and I honestly can’t believe three years have passed so quickly, yet so many memories and people and trials and so much has occurred within these three years. My big told me, PT school flies by fast, but you feel every minute of it (pain... she means pain) lol just kidding, but I think in retrospect, while it’s been a long time since I’ve written on here, I will just say, God used PT school to shape me and grow a genuine love for God and his people and his word and to love those who are different than me without judgment, but with the heart to make Him known. I might write more about the big things, but I’m going to stay on topic.

Background (If we haven’t talked in a while, can be skipped by many lol)

Up to this point, the decision I’ve been wrestling with is: should I stay or should I go *cue song *. In general, the plan up until PT school has been pretty straightforward, how things panned out was all in God’s timing, but for the most part, I generally knew that PT school was the end goal and then maybe go to residency etc. But things changed when I had a semi-falling out, more so change in boundaries and dynamic in a friendship I loved.... Loved so much that it was an idol and honestly, she is someone I still care about deeply. But I will also acknowledge, we differ in a lot of the core things of that makes us who we are, namely she is not a christian (yet) and I am. That’s not to say I see her any less, but point in reference the above, what the Bible says and what the world says about values and what matters is different. So when that happened, at the time, she was probably my closest friend and while I was in church and loved Livingway, I was like, I barely have any friends here (I’d argue there’s a difference between friends and community) because most of my community, while solid and encouraging, have all been families. So the thought of doing travel PT was exciting - meet new people and start new and get to travel on someone else’s money and then of course find a new church every 3 months. How cool to see and meet other christians and see how other churches do things.

So I rode that boat for a long while (ever since November), not only does it pay well, you get to see the world and experience new things, foods, and people. Sounded pretty enticing. I wanted to go to Hawaii, Seattle, and Chicago and then do residency if I found that Ortho was what the setting I wanted to be in. So I talked to a bunch of people and talked to a lot of different companies and the idea still sounded good.

The joys of my current season:

BUT GOD. Just kidding, not just yet, but God did move in a way that was very surprising.... After everything happened with the friendship (let me tell you, this was probably my biggest idol I’ve held onto in general, if not the one friendship it was another). But when the friendship was taken off the throne, although painful and had to grieve the process... this was the turning point in my walk with God. It was a point where all the things I said and all the things I claimed to believe in God and in his word just became real. Not that they weren’t real before, but the confidence and the sureness of God is who he says is and will do all that he says- I finally tasted and saw that God was good. God began to shift my heart towards the things of God and a newness and joy that I haven’t experienced in a while. I was bogged down with the things of man and opinions of man, I was unable to see the beauty and goodness of God.

And in this, God started to provide new friendships, ones that were life giving and people that deeply cared about Jesus and me (which not to say my other friendships haven’t before, but there’s a uniqueness to these ones). I started to meet up and hang out with a lot more people from Livingway and Crosslife (surprisingly) regularly. It has been a sweet, sweet season of enjoying my time spent with friends and building deep friendships. But not only that, man, God started being super gracious in just providing so many opportunities to serve Livingway. I was serving in worship team , but like an opportunity to jump start the Young Adult Ministry with Moriah which has never been done before, getting asked to do children’s ministry worship and helping out with women’s retreat worship logistics. It felt like a very God thing, not in a bragging way, but God never handed me opportunities like this before. And I think it’s because, if He did in the past, it would be for my glory and identity, versus serving from my identity in Him and ultimately for Him. It’s super cool and I’m thankful God is giving me time and energy and a heart and to remember that none of it can be done without prayer or him. ANYWAYS, I am off topic but still on topic. All that to say, there was a shift in my faith that only God could do.

Bringing it back to the future talk. Basically what I was saying is that there has been a lot of good and even a lot of seasons of trials, but yet I can still see God’s faithfulness to his word and himself. And that led me to really start thinking about... is Travel PT really something I want to do? I talked to a lot people about it, christian and non-christians, and a lot of them said “go for it”, "you’re never going to be young and single again and be able to travel like this and experience X, Y, and Z". And so even the thoughts of leaving what felt like my roots slowly being planted, like why not leave! Why not just go for the experience and what’s one year in light of everything right? But I will be honest, while it seemed and probably would be an awesome experience, like... dude leaving my church and my friends just felt like something I was not sure I was willing to give up. Especially because really, for me, if you know any part of me, relationships and people are what makes life fun and gives me life. It’s not so much the place or the things we do, it’s who I am with. So I began to invite certain people into my life and this decision like old mentor figures and P James to pray alongside me.

The wrestling:

So as I began to pray, I was reading a lot of Proverbs and that’s when I began to pray in confidence, asking that God would reveal his plans for me in his timing. I was like Lord, I am not demanding an answer but I can pray boldly and ask boldly that you would reveal wisdom and discernment if I seek it like treasure. You say LORD that you will make my paths straight if I acknowledge you- I am in prayer and I am bringing community and leadership into this decision as well, please answer was basically the heart of many prayers and then waiting. Waiting for thoughts and comparing it to scripture is how I usually discerned whether it was a God thing or a me thing.

I kept going back and forth and honestly, listening to a lot of other voices and I gladly accepted it. But there have been 3 people lately that have spoken pretty counter-culture thoughts, almost (all in love), not saying I can’t go, but it’s that advice you get as “proceed with caution” kind of advice. And as I thought about it, I realized, okay how can I compromise this need for relationship and traveling, why not move to Hawaii for a year. Why not?!

When I told my pastor this, he was really supportive and was like if you feel called by God to go, then go and we will pray and support you. But he did say that while I am single and have “nothing tying me down”, actually the church body is actually a priority in considering to stay. He also asked me where this idea came from and I told him what I wrote in the background section. And he was like okay, just consider what I’m saying and keep praying. Another older mentor figure also was like, hey also consider the financial situation and even consider if you are trying to do things out of what you want and then asking God to bless it. And at this point, I was like..hmmmm well this is a good question. I felt like I could stand before God and be like I have asked and seemed you, but intentions, like have I actually been called? I really couldn’t honestly say, other than I couldn't shake this idea and still wrestling to know if it was coming from me or God.

THEN GAME CHANGER THOUGHTS AND CONVO!

As I left the coffee shop the other day, I was praying again. I had thoughts like: leaving my community was hard but I feel like God also equipped me with an ability to reach out and to get plugged into churches pretty quickly and if it’s only for a year, I would be down. I actually got an interview set up in Hawaii at this place that was literally dream job. It has a mentorship program, it paid new-grads pretty well, and it was a sport-ortho clinic and one on one patient care for an hour. It was probably my dream job. But as I was thinking about things, some thoughts and passages came up about the church body. In 1 Corinthians it talks about the role of the church and just the importance of who we are in the church matters. And in Ephesians 3:21 it states “ to him be the glory IN THE CHURCH and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever amen”. And it really made me think about the weightiness of the “mundane” life of a christian - this cycle from Sunday service to small groups to a church event and repeat. Somehow in my mind, I asked myself, like how does that matter? But it matters, because it’s a call for the church to give glory to God. That in it of itself gives great value and a great calling in the role that God has designed the church and His church body. I was also reminded of 1 Corinthians that one should lead the life that God has given him, if you are a bond servant, you are free in Christ. If you are a master, you are bond servant to Christ. Like no matter what role you play in society, like the disciples just going back to being fishermen at the end of all the gospels and doing their job or whatever- I realized, whatever measure of life or role we are given, it matters. The mundane week to week life of church is not mundane because the glory of God rests upon this calling of fulfilling our role by the grace of God to be his body and a light to the world. And with this, it helped me to see the importance of staying and maybe moving to another place with the intent of moving back may not be the wisest. Like why would I unroot what God has been building in my life to be replanted. Was I putting the value of experience and YOLO the world has prioritized over the value of God and his church and his glory?

And I think something that basically reaffirmed this thought of staying is my phone call with Debbie. She basically helped me see that the seed of travel PT was made with me trying to actually run from my problems and escape and because going to Hawaii was still connected to that, it may be more of a desire of my own rather than God. And she also told me from experience moving to another island or making big life decision, like you need community (and not just 1 or 2 people) especially because access to relationships from an island is isolating. But she was called and clearly called that she has to remind herself of this. While for me, the idea may have been born out of fear and leaving my community and relationships may not be the wisest. And yeah, I think that’s when I finally made peace with the decision to stay and to seek opportunities here and to see the importance of pouring into the church and see what God has. I mean I’ve been asking God for a relationship so maybe that? Who knows! LOL But anyways, more greatly, this process has been a blessing.

My final word, as I was talking with Debbie, I realized it feels like this is a unique time where I feel like God is giving me this freedom to choose without feeling guilt or shame and has been a really cool process to learn to discern God’s will. It was an opportunity to pray the word and promises of God back to him and to really be in a cool place that I was okay with anything in terms of results. I mean it would be really cool to go to Hawaii etc, and I’m sure if I did decide to go, God would use that decision. But it’s so cool to be able to seek God, the man himself who in his wisdom created this earth would answer gently and patiently with highlighting passages in his word and then using people to nudge me towards his word. I feel like while it may have resulted in me be in the same place circumstantially, I think that God has grown me- to recognize his voice and to rely on his word etc. And like what Debbie told me, that is the most important- it’s not about what you do, but who you are! God cares the most about that more than anything. God may change things and provide an opportunity that I wasn't seeking and you never know, I may go to Hawaii. But in the time being, I am planning to stay and invest in the relationships and church I am at here.