Week 1 of PT School: Rock the Boat

Week 1, done!

I can't believe it's already been 1 week into PT school and what a blessing it is! I think I might try to recap each week but week 1 of year 1 down, and many many more to go. To get straight into it, man PT school is exactly what I thought it would be and not be. The picture above is part of my cohort celebrating Antonio and Grace's birthday ( woohoo quarter century of life!) But I am so grateful to know that I have cohort that although in a very weird time of Covid and and being literally on zoom university is still able to hang out. Everyone is so nice, chill, and easy going and motivated to find ways to get close whether it be in our family pods or just celebrating people like above.

But I will also be very straight up that I struggled a lot this week, but not in the ways I expected. I thought I was going to be overwhelmed with school and studying and even comparing myself to my classmates. But actually by God's grace that wasn't really something that came up. I actually have been nerding out LIKE CRAZY! I mean don't get me wrong, try fitting maybe 1 whole semester of overall information of biomechanics and anatomy into 1 week. Yeah that was week 1 one for you in PT school haha. It's definitely intimidating, but not impossible. I've been breaking it down and memorizing into parts and reviewing lectures the day of, and doing practice problems given etc. ANYWAYS I am actually struggling. ALOT with I guess you could say a long-term insecurity that I've had a lot growing up and I feel like I thought God helped me overcome most of it. I guess not, but that's fine. But yeah, I think seeing people live together or even click with certain people right away, it just leaves me feeling lonely and began to really question God's timing. But let's be real, realistically when I take away my unrealistic expectations- making friends in general typically doesn't happen in 5 days. But in my mind because I want it so badly, here I am questioning with what's wrong with me and why am I not good enough, etc.

I think throughout this week, I've been reading Matthew and the main question by the two stories building the house upon the rock (Matt 8:24-27) and today Jesus calming the storm (Matt 8:23-27). And the TLDR question- where is my foundation of hope and where do I place my faith in times when my boat feels rocked?

As I think about the emotions I feel and experienced, a lot of it was excitement and gratitude in terms of the material I get to study and even the moments where I get to meet people in class, have zoom birthday parties. But on the other hand I don't think I have experienced so much anxiety with uncertainty, especially in the area of friendships. I think I have this expectation to meet a group of people and get super close with them and boom! That's it. But I know that at the root of wanting it, it's not for sharing the gospel or for God's glory but this little whole I am trying to fill that only God can. Being fully accepted and fully loved and fully known, something I would argue everyone wants. I find myself being torn from one extreme to another and I really want to say it's been a battle against the enemy. At times I am okay with the small study sessions and being able to text people etc, but at other times I get super flustered and super anxious by not having someone to go to. I don't know why, I think there is just security that at least I have one person to lean on. But at the same time I know I am pretty comfortable being independent, but it comes down to me just feeling this need to be accepted. Anyways back to the text, as I began to feel the tug and temptation to just want to make myself into something people would want or just feeling like needing to reach out to people in hopes we would click etc, I am thankful that God withheld me getting into school a year ago because I think I would actually act out on it versus feeling it and wanting it but then also wrestling with it in my heart and mind with God's word and truth which finally brings me to the bible passages mentioned above.

Build your House on THE Rock.

Something I realized as I was reading it in general is 1. rain, floods, and winds come to beat on the house which I think of temptations, trials, hardships for me specifically this week was the temptation just to need people's approval in my cohort. I noticed that these hardships like everywhere else in the bible, they are guaranteed to come, living in a world view of knowing sin exists even after you're saved and in a fallen world. And secondly, there is no way of predicting it or how long it will last, Jesus never mentions a timeline. Which probably means some of us may pass through seasons quickly or may be on our knees like the Psalms asking, how long O Lord? But the guarantee is this: The house will not fall. But it's not because of the house, but it says because it had been founded on the rock ( Jesus)! And this really reminded me of how quick I am building my peace and my hope in 1. being accepted by people, but even to go further 2. my hope and peace was placed in knowing the future. I realized like I just want that sigh of relief knowing that everything will be okay. I think that's the main issue, it's like God I want to know all the uncertainties I'm feeling will be worked out in the end and pictured in this way ( basically having friends i'm tight with). The problem is not wishing things will be okay etc, but I think more so it becomes what I am consumed with - I am so rigid for it to look this way because I want it that way. And I realized that even my prayers became a lot about- Lord please give me friends, please give me this because this is how I will feel comfortable and secure. And that's when I realized that what I was praying is for sand to be my foundation, rather than God as the rock of my foundation. So I feel like God's been really challenging me and using this word the really question like when I pray or when I think about the things that worry me because they feel so uncertain, so far, so disappointing to my own expectations- is God enough? Is God loving and accepting me in Christ enough for me? Do I know that my life is meant for more purpose than chasing after the wind of people's opinions and acceptance for me?

Secondly the story of Jesus and the storm it made me realize that supernatural peace from God is really displayed during a storm. I think we can all have peace when we are at peace, but it's not until our boat gets shaken until 1. it reveals where we place our peace and 2. Where our faith goes once it gets a little bumpy. Like the fisherman, man I related so much to the fisherman, like I feel like PT school has shaken my boat of insecurities in terms of relationships. But I think it's so funny how Jesus responds to their moments of freaking out, I mean let's be real, mine is in my mind and theirs was more life and death so I understand it's a little different. But let's pretend it's the same magnitude of urgency, Jesus says , O Ye of Little faith.

Faith.

And that caused me to reflect on how little my faith is in God. And I don't think it's one of those things where you just tell yourself to believe more and more. But I think it's failure to see God as big, as good, as gracious, as loving, as just as He really is.

With this I had to ask myself, do I believe that God is using this time of waiting for my best good?

I think so, because He is revealing that I am so tempted to build my peace on sand ( friendships/ being accepted by my cohort) and yet it is a grace He has not given it to me quickly ( or might not at all? Okay let's hope He will but with a heart knowing He is better) because He is more concerned with me knowing He is enough.

Do I believe God is completely sovereign and good in his time? Yes because He has given me gifts of the bday zoom, meeting other people, study groups, a big. Like it is clear God is giving me these things as a grace as well and challenging me to receive them with thankfulness versus demanding for more. Anyways I think this kind of seems lengthy and ranting, but hopefully encouraging nonetheless. I think God has shaken my boat that revealed a lot about the hopes of my heart. But I am more so thankful that I am wrestling and fighting the desires with the word and the truths He has equipped during my year off. Because I for sure know that if I went into PT school last year, I would have acted out on these insecurities and strive and strive for what I think I want. But again, we were never built to strive after the fleeting opinions of man, but for the one who matters at the end: Jesus.