Week 2 of PT School: What's in the Nos+Not Yet

I just finished week 2 of PT school and preparing for going into week 3.

So it’s pretty interesting how walking into PT school I had all these expectations to be honest. I would find a really good group of friends or that one best friend and be in a relationship ( for context I’ve been getting to know someone a little beforehand and was going super well). But I think I am walking out of week 2 hitting a wall of no’s and not yet from God. It just seemed in some ways God has been frustrating my plans, but in a way that is more gracious than I can ask or think. I leave week 2 feeling confused yet more trusting- more loved than not.

I think what I’ve been encountering in my no’s and not yet is a gracious picture of what it means to genuinely surrender my hopes and desires. And I won’t say that the things I wish for are bad, in it of itself they are not sinful. And I would say even before God that with his Spirit I was kept from idolizing them. Right even from last week I would say that God kept reminding me that the guy I liked isn’t mine or I shouldn’t have these expectations on other people in PT school. And after I processed this week, I think I came to this wall of just like “ ah man, like what now? I just feel like nothing is really going like I planned but at the very same time God is giving me peace”. That’s weird ( in a good way). But I still feel myself wanting to hope in well not PT school anymore, but what most recently happened was the DTR that went to being just friends rather than a relationship. And it went super well, but let’s be real I was invested and hopeful ( and also a little dramatic). I knew I had to surrender this when it happened knowing that I would have this lingering hope that if he grew in this way or that, then maybe we could date. I thought surrender would encompass me just being like God I let this go with the hope that it will eventually happen ( me during the first day). But I was kinda struck because I realized in my prayers and thoughts, I thought I was surrendering it. But what I was really doing was giving the plans up the God, but not really surrendering the hope itself. And after today’s message I was reminded that genuine surrender isn’t just God I trust you with what I want with the expectation you’ll eventually give it to me. But it’s where I come to a place of giving it fully to God knowing that He is better than whatever that hope and desire is. It's an exchange of giving what you want for God himself. And that’s what I’ve been faced with as I process my hopes and desires not being met thus far into the new year. But here’s to seeing my season presently, versus looking and wishing and imagining the future.

Oh and PT school itself is getting ever increasingly hard. It takes up a lot of my time and a lot of energy, by the end of the day I am swamped and exhausted and go to bed by 1030 pm. In terms of friends, I love my lab partner and getting to know people in my cohort, slowly but surely. I am just thankful for God giving me a new perspective in seeing them as people who need to seeJesus and not me. And this is the shortest blog I've ever written, I could give details but I don't think I am at freedom to share everything. Sorry not sorry :) Just an encouragement that as I've been seeing so many X's in my plans, there is also so much grace wrapped in that no. It causes me to 1. acknowledge God is good and faithful no matter the circumstance and 2. His goodness is never withheld even in the no. It is a constant banner that causes my eyes to see Him as greater and more worthy than anything I could want or have in this world.