Women's devotional Sharing (April 2024)

Women’s Devos

(this is what I wrote while sharing for Livingway's Women's devotional on Sunday morning)

Women’s Devos

Hi my name is Erika, and I’ve been attending livingway for about 4 years now. Writing this was pretty difficult for me just because I’m wasn’t sure what God wanted me to say, but I realized that as long as my aim is to proclaim the excellencies of him then God will be honored and my hope is that you will feel blessed and encouraged. When I first started writing, I thought I was going to give a James 1 part 3 version of my story about trials and tribulations, but oddly enough, God brought up this verse to mind: 

Luke 12: 4-7 

“I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” 

HUH- so this passage is about persecution and I was pretty confused and questioning if I heard correctly. But God did indeed make it clear at the end.

But I’ll start with another phrase that came to mind: 

God is good all the time, all the time God is good. Oftentimes my amen to this statement comes and goes depending on how life has been tracking. If I’m going to be honest, the way I have really believed this is: God is good when times are good, and when times are good God is good. 

This season of life has been quite difficult to see God’s goodness. And ironically and I’m sure not coincidentally, the last time I shared I was also in a season of questioning God’s goodness. About 2.5 years ago, I shared at the women’s devs during my first year of PT school and now here I am after just graduating in December. During the first time, I was moving out of my parents place with a bag full of clothes, leaving to set boundaries from the environment I was brought up in. For context, I was adopted from China when I was 13 months and grew up  with my mom and dad and my younger sister who we adopted when I was 6 and she was 5. I remember growing up having everything I needed, taking family vacations, being involved in sports, and from the outside looking in, a pretty good childhood. But from the inside, I grew up with a lot of fear and anxiety. I don’t recall too many memories, but I do remember a lot of yelling at every mistake. I remember my mom saying hurtful words even as a 1st/2nd grader like “ I wish I never adopted you”, “you’re the reason for my depression”, I remember that if we didn’t do everything perfectly according to my mom’s wishes, we would be met with the silent treatment and had to figure out what she needed, or she would yell at us or take a lot of things away that weren’t proportional to the action. She would say and do things like, “if you loved me you would do this….”, “I wouldn’t have done this if you didn’t do this”. My dad on the other hand was a man of few words and if he did say anything, it would be “whatever your mom said”. He threw and still does throw himself into work. and I felt this gap that my sister and I had to figure things out and how to survive in this home that really never felt safe and never felt like I belonged unless 1. I was Perfect and could do everything right 2. If I needed to be needed then I would be wanted. 

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In turn, I began to turn to the things of the world like being the best academically and in basketball, trying to be liked by literally anyone and everyone in my friendships, pursuing a good career and really anything that would make me feel or at least seem strong and unfazed by the things going on at home. I wanted to present myself as worthy of belonging and feeling like I had something to offer. 

And I pause here only because things changed throughout the years, but also stayed very much the same up until college. It’s in college when I end up being introduced into a christian club and then saved in my second year. I graduated college being super involved in all church things, moved back home to evangelize to my parents, and started attending livingway. I ended up getting into PT school a year later and It’s here I learned that the feeling of rejection and abandonment were major themes in my story, friendship was a huge idol and indicator of identity, and the time when God redeemed my relationship with my family.  Back to the moving out story, after not talking to my parents for 10 months, by God’s grace and power, God changed my mom through the small group she attended. And now we hang out once a week and even my sister who was cutting our family off for 4 years is back in the picture. Praise God! And up until now, I thought I had everything kinda figured out and felt like I had a good hold on life, but boy was I wrong. 

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This past December after graduating, I was set to go to residency  at Kaiser West LA and it was something I knew I always wanted to do. It’s an extra year of mentorship, working during the week and then weekend classes front loaded during the first half of the year. At this time, for context, financial aid only gave us about half of what we asked for and I began to get stressed about finances. By Feb, I knew I was going to be in the negatives. So I started looking for jobs aggressively and asking if anyone was looking for part time employment. And then this opportunity came up randomly, a cash-based clinic, working with athletes. It was literally the dream job and all the workers there were Christian. As I began to shadow, I began to see the opportunity to work and learn under them as something I was open to doing. I brought it up with the boss and with a lot of debate, praying, and seeking God and others for wisdom (this was actually during the time of Jean and Ruth’s sharing), I ended up deciding that working at the private practice was something I wanted to do instead of residency. If I could learn and not have to worry about giving up time to residency and sacrifice time from my friends, church, and stress, and the clinic was kingdom minded, why not? So I took a step of faith and resent my offer letter from Kaiser and committed to the new clinic. 

Everything was great until it wasn’t.

 I was beginning to train once a month with the hopes to start full-time in Feb. But long story short not because anything personal, but business wise, they were experiencing a decrease in clients. So the full time went to part time, Feb got pushed back to march, and then 2 days became 1 day. 

And I was left feeling confused, angry, uncared for by God and most of all, had a deep lack of trust in God. I began to point fingers, Lord, how could you allow me to make this decision only to be led to this outcome?! I thought I sought you in wisdom! If this is your definition of good, then I am out. But even in my adult tantrum, God provided financial help through the church members/ leadership, provided a really good therapist to walk through all these new emotions with, and found a job at a place I did my clinical at. Funny enough, it was the clinical I vowed to never work at again which even that I’m thankful but slightly bitter towards. It’s been quite a mix of emotions, but it’s through this job situation that God has been shaking up my world and me. 

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In this time of uncertainty, I found myself reaching for the very things I did when I was younger: control, perfection, friendships, and belonging in other people whether it be at church or random get togethers. I felt this deep desire  and need for security and stability since everything else around me felt so chaotic. But even in this, people weren’t meeting my expectations and even if they did, it still wasn’t enough. Literally friends and church family could comfort me and surround me, but man if I saw one thing that  didn’t meet my expectations or one thing that  made me feel uncared for, I would completely shut down and conclude that they don’t care or want to. Or even this idea of showing too much or being too big of a burden, like I need to carry some of it myself. This threw me in huge fits of anxiety. Trying to be okay and be strong so people didn’t have to care for me, wanting them to care but not really completely trusting them, feeling like I had to make myself presentable so that if they didn’t care for me, I could do it myself. It was and has been an ugly cycle of anxiety and sadness. And you know like great friends and community, everyone was supportive but also pointing me to Christ, but I think when everything initially happened, I was in a place when I read Psalm 16:4: “The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply”, and my response to that is, at least I know what I’ll be getting. Seeing the perceived mess I was in, I couldn’t trust that God was good because everything in my life felt like it wasn’t. 

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But after a lot of therapy sessions, praying, talking with other people, I realized this: I’ve been trying to manage my anxiety by controlling all the places and spaces I have deeply rooted my identity and worth in. Chasing and desperately clinging to people, circumstances, and even myself to find this sense of peace, freedom, healing, and belonging I have always longed for as a kid. And what I thought God was ushering me into a season of unknowns, chaos, and disappointment has become the grounds for him to truly begin a deeper work in me and through me. Not ultimately to be a better and stronger Christian and person, but a child who knows how deeply dependent I am on Him for literally everything. I wish I could cohesively tie in everything I learned, but I can’t so here are some things I’ve learned from this experience and the timeliness of every sermon of this month: 

1. God is teaching me that healing is learning to surrender the process to him and pushing through my anxiety and fears WITH him especially in the context of friendships and church family. Really learning to lean into trusting others because my ultimate trust and identity is in God and not on others perfectly meeting my needs. There’s a quote that says this about friendships/relationships: “On one hand I say, I need you. God has appointed you as a means of grace to help me endure to the end. But on the other hand, I must say that the only way you can really help me is you saying something or doing something that will cause me to depend on God and not you “ (Friend-ish by Kelly Needham) 
   

2. Godly wisdom. I realized the way I think God will answer me is with an answer, but more often than not I have become more sure that Christ. is. our wisdom. God led me to answer with the results I never wanted. But through this I’ve gained that the one thing God is truly after, is our hearts and our whole hearts. In Ephesians, Paul prays for us that we would have “ the Spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him” or the verse in Proverbs, “the beginning of knowledge is fear of the Lord”. It’s all about knowing and being known by God in our true identity given by and won through Christ. 
   

3. God’s purposeful waiting. I think this season feels like I’m lingering in the middle of life, where life wants to happen but not really. God brought to mind Psalm 23, where it talks about making us lie down in green pasture and by STILL waters. And then brought to mind Psalm 62: For God alone my soul waits in SILENCE; from  him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken. 

There is something about God’s character and purpose in the seasons of nothingness and not that God’s not working, but when He puts my life on pause, it causes me to stop whether I want to or not and to recognize who He is and how He only is my rock and my salvation

1. Which lastly, brings me back to the original, random verse. God calls me friend. He has not forgotten me and he knows me so deeply that he knows the very number of hairs on my head especially when going through hardship or persecution. And not in an invalidating way, but kind of cool, I realized that God knew and knows me so deeply that He knew exactly the type of trial I needed, the exact situations and friendships to help me feel loved but not too loved that I would turn to replace him, and literally hit every idol I had growing up only to point me to Himself. And I think that realization has helped me be able to say that in every circumstance God is good and good is God. Let me be the first to say it’s hard to believe. But I’m gaining a new confidence that goes beyond circumstance and time and it is this:(similar to Pastor Jake’s message): if we have God, we have everything. We don’t need anything or anyone else to fill the deep and longing void, all other things are hired hands. Fear the one who not only has authority over our soul, but the only who nurtures and cares for our souls in ways no one or anything else can.   

2. 
   

As James says (here's part 3): “Do not be deceived And this is in the context of trial, persecution, temptation-“Do not be deceived , my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures” 

Or in other words, God’s good is always to bring us to himself through truth. And will always bring us back to his heart for our salvation, the gospel, and the identity He has given to us in Christ, ultimately for His name’s sake. 

Questions: 

1. Was there a time you felt God led you into a season you never asked for? What happened and what did you learn about yourself/ God? 

2. Any thoughts/ reflections on the past sermons about anxiety, identity, and God’s presence?

3. How can we, as a church family, pray for you right now?