Worship-full Decisions

Worshipfull: adj. Full of worship

Just kidding, if you know me, words are my thing but spelling isn’t, but in all seriousness it is Halloween and yes I am writing a blog. That should tell you how my day is going, I don’t write unless I am led to. And I am feeling led. Haha Anyways, back to this post.

Worship. Many people would probably imagine the picture above as being worship, but as I began to think about expressions of worship, lately I have been challenged in understanding how decisions especially in this time are a posture of worship!

Honestly it has been.... March.. April.. almost 9 months of COVID 19, we might as well start calling it Covid 20-21 at this point, but I think I hit a point of just being over it. Like God can eradicate it right now please. It seems like with each passing day, there is no end in sight. It’s been causing a lot of tension and stress and problems within the house. Whether it be being out at church for too long or going out with friends social distancing style with masks, my parents would always lecture me for a good hour and then call it quits and then shame and guilt trip me and then usually a few days will pass and they would let it go. But this time, oh man this time... I think they hit their threshold of patience while at the same time I hit my threshold of indifference ( to some degree.. I just want to hang out safely!!). After having dinner with my old apartment at a rooftop where I worked, oh man... my parents went off... and I get it. To be honest, I should have not planned this but it’s been so long since I’ve seen them and then just seeing friends being more lax and then idk just wanting to socialize semi-normally, I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal. But my mom began to get really upset because she and her parents are at risk ( which is very true, I needed to repent for my selfishness after this)), but she began to guilt trip me and shame me and use tell me I’m being a hypocrite Christian and brought in how I care more for the church body more than the family because I spend so much time. And so on, as long as you kind of catch the picture, my parents were pretty upset and that they didn’t like how I was spending so much time at church serving and fellowshiping . Praise God and His Spirit because I think it would be really easy for me to get boggled down and angry by the emotions and the words, but the Holy Spirit really gave me patience and eyes to see and ears to understand the main message about their concerns. Because they are valid, I can’t disagree and I can’t deny that I have been spending too much time ( that was “unnecessary” in terms of hanging out with new friends etc) at church in hopes to gain some normalcy, while putting my parents and grandparents at risk.

So the questions that begin to float in mind: What should I do? Am I even obeying with the right heart? ( Because I think it’s really easy to want to appease my parents for the sake of not being yelled at, so fear rather than a genuine love for them) Should I still go to church all together or is there any way I can honor God and my parents?

So in the morning, I woke up praying but then I quickly turned to the worship pastor in hopes that he would give me an answer ( that is just some of my tendancies). But as I went on a run and began to pray about it that’s when this idea of worshiping God in the details of my decisions began. And I felt the spirit leading me to a few things and a few convictions that were affirmed by the worship pastor and just understanding that sacrifice needs to be made for now. It sucks in perspective to what I want ( in the flesh), but I know these things are the most pleasing to God and my parents.

- I felt led to still go to church: This is because I think in person worship is so much more powerful in terms of encountering God with other believers. It’s not so much the building but the body of believers around me praising the same God.

- I realized that I might have been careless and unloving towards my parents with the amount of time spent at church- I think I would spend close to 5-6 hours at church and honestly this was not a normal thing for me, at my old church I was in and out in 2-3 hours max. But because of no school, had the opportunity to serve on AV, and met a younger crowd down to hang out after service I was inclined to maximize my time out of the house and work. I think God was definitely showing me that had to go. And it’s not saying these things are not important to invest in ( relationships/ serving), but I think in order to be a good witness in this specific season, I need to step back from these things. And at first it was hard for me to be okay with this thought. Like Aren’t fellowship and serving good and honoring to God? But I think I had to really evaluate the heart behind it.

I realized that I love socializing in person, that’s just how God made me. But I also began to see the deeper heart issue question:

- Am I secure enough in Christ alone to know that I can step back without fear or guilt?

And I say this because I know that my tendency is to

1. Earn approval and gain acceptance through service and my works. Like what can I do and how can I be productive in order to be good enough.

2. The fear of being forgotten and left out. I think this was huge in not wanting to stop hanging out with the new group of friends that I made, plus there has been a guy I’ve been somewhat curious about in that group, no I don’t like him but just curious to get to know him. Not going to lie that was another factor too. I tend to look to people to gain that acceptance by being seen and known.

But yeah as I began to pray and repent and confess and just sit in knowing that the decisions I make now will be the best way to honor God by honoring my parents, I felt more at peace with the whole situation. I write about this for accountability and transparency knowing that what my parents ask of me isn’t a hard thing. It definitely seems more sacrificial than what I was willing to do beforehand but, loving them as Christ loved me takes sacrifice and a compassionate and understanding heart for why they are asking this of me. It is really a supernatural strength that I has given me peace and even the willingness to do so. It reminds me of Phil 2:12-13, this feels like an opportunity to work out my faith in fear and trembling knowing it is God who works in me, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

This blog feels everywhere, Lord help me close this with clarity. At the end of the day, although my parents expectations seem somewhat extreme in comparison to other people and would require to give up things, it is worthwhile in light of the cross and in light of Christ. Ultimately my priority is to love God and others, including my parents. For it is what the whole law hinges upon ( Matt 22:40) And if it isn’t done out of love, then anything I do is meaningless ( 1 Corin 13:1-3). So i am committing to not do any in person hangouts unless my parents approve of it ( and not in a way where they are not agreeing yet allow me to make that decision) and decrease my time at church in serving and fellowship for the sake of honoring them and thus God :) Here’s to worship-filled decisions, praying that you will walk, not in fear but confidence that the details of our decisions and actions rest in the full grace of Christ but also matter in how we can love both God and others through them.

Thanks for letting me rant on this medium, hopefully it made sense and that it was encouraging, all glory to God who led and guided me and supernaturally allowed me to see my sin for the purpose of reproof and relying on his grace and how I can love my parents well.