Worthiness:

This past week has been good, but in all honesty, I’ve been fighting an inner battle with my thoughts and my worthiness. A lot of people have core sins and feeling unworthy has been one of the main ones outside of being driven by fear, although this is also driven by a fear of not being known and loved. And I wonder, is it even theological for me to think of our self-worth as something as sin? I think it isn’t a sin, but I think it was something that has been tainted by sin, it is something everyone longs for deep down inside, and I think it is something that God values as his children.

I didn’t realize I had a problem with my worth until post grad when a lot of the things I put my worth in dwindled. I placed a lot of my value on how much I did for God, how well I did things, and how well I was perceived by people. So even now, I still struggle with this, I have this invisible filter I would subconsciously pass my thoughts, actions, and speech through- how will people receive me? Will they reject or accept me? Do I paint an image that makes me put together, wise, kind, likable ( all things that at the core make me feel valuable and worthy). A lot of times I don’t realize it because my brain is so quick, it analyzes who is around me, evaluates how much I trust this person/ people, then I decide how much to share and how to share. There are some people I can be completely honest and broken, but for the most part, my natural inclination is to be put together and at least portray myself that way. It’s been hard though because i think at the core of it, I might have done such a good job that many people may think that I’m doing okay and that I have all these people in my life, but at times I tend to feel isolated and lonely. I partially blog and journal because I am too scared to process with people; unsure if I can trust them enough to care and to walk with me or maybe I would get disappointed by not feeling understood.

I want freedom in knowing my worth. And I think it’s something we all want as humans. It’s kind of the culture we are in, the love yourself and accept yourself era. So I think what people realize is that other people aren’t constant enough for our need to fill this “worthiness void”, so they look to themselves. The logic that if I can reconcile all my flaws and all these past mistakes with myself, then I will be okay. But I think that can last temporarily, it’s something that still falters. I don’t know the theology behind this but I think if anyone who looks around, we can perceive that we were created. Whether they want to believe there is a god or not, there’s something deep in us that knows there is something, someone bigger than us that has made us and all that is around us. In the bible, we were made by God, our creator, and we were made as creatures who need direction. Even before sin entered the world, God made man and had to tell Adam and Eve who they were and what they were to do. But because of sin, everything we know has been touched by it- it literally ruined everything that was good into something bad, especially our ability to know our worth before God. This is clearly seen by Adam and Eve’s realization they were naked and hid in shame and guilt. But God being who He is, is remaking and renewing all things that were broken by sin. This is clearly seen by Jesus through his life, death, and resurrection that gives us hope.

Because of Jesus, we are able to be reconciled to God ( 2 Corinthians 5:11-21) so that gives us access to know God and make God known ( the core of the gospel). But I think as we know God, I argue that it is equally as important to know who we are in Jesus before God. I always go to passages like Romans 8 where it talks about how we are his children, Eph 1 that talks about how we are chosen, or even Col 3 that talks about how we are chosen, holy, and beloved even before the list of imperatives. But why does God have to keep telling us who we are? Well like me I often forget who I am before God and it often feels like a standard I can’t reach. It’s easy to stand discouraged but thankfully, God only sees Christ as He looks upon us and he does so with a bigger purpose in mind. In 1 Peter 2:9 it says, “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” God has made us these things for the purpose of proclaiming who He is.

I always wondered how much of how the pharisees carried themselves in pride and self-exhortation was linked to their lack of knowledge of God and who they were before God. Because like them, it is very easy for me to use the name of God in knowledge, speech, and action for the purpose of elevating myself over the name of God. And Jesus even rebukes how they do not know God ( Matt 23). Dang, so there is obviously a great sin of worshiping themselves, but just thinking, like a lot of the reasons I do is because of sin and this forgetfulness of who I am and who God is. I forget I was chosen not because of anything I did, but by grace alone I was made a child of God, holy, and beloved ( Eph 2:8-9). And I was made to walk into the good works God himself has prepared for me, it’s not me who creates and gains the glory. That’s why the gospel seems so contrary, so if it is not by works and not by might, then where does my value come from? That’s where that saying comes in, finding my identity in Christ. Because in Christ, there is grace to stand before God clothed in Jesus’ righteousness, not my own. I am loved, not by what I have done, but was chosen because of grace. I think David Platt in the book Radical states it: “ You were saved from work to work”. We were saved from working to gain value before God, we were given worth by grace, in order to be used by God with freedom. Freedom fearing man of whether or not we are accepted, fearing our failures and mistakes, fearing we aren’t good enough.

God has remained the same throughout time and usually God does not pick the strong, but the weak ( or those who know they are weak) in order that we may be jars of clay that display that power of God. Once we are saved, it’s not about us anymore and there is so much freedom in that. We cannot be lovers of God nor lovers of others if we are so hung up with loving ourselves and filling this void of our worth. And that’s why believing our self worth comes from Christ and Christ alone is so important. If I or anyone else doesn’t get it, we might just be trying to find it in worthless things that take from us ( drugs, alcohol, sex etc), or working to earn approval from God or others ( pharisess), or find ourselves never feeling good enough when God is actually delighting in us. Our worth before God is so important to understand and know because I know the enemy can use it to blind us from who God is and the life giving life He has called us to.

I am insignificant in light of all creation, in light of eternity, in light of how many people I live among. I am so, so small. Yet I am made significant and important by the one who knows me, loves me, and has called me to be His own. That is where my worth comes from and by God’s grace my life will point to Jesus all the days of my life.