Tangible Grace

It is is 4am. And I’m not sure why I am up, I just couldn’t sleep. So I actually woke up at like 230am and now here I am, attempting to put together a post that isn't about 2021 goals. But about grace.

On one of my walks, the word grace came to mind, but not by way of salvation, but just learning to make the conceptual tangible. Sometimes I find myself throwing out, "by God's grace" a little too flippantly, without having substance and confidence to back it up. Like I know it's a "gift from God", but I don't think I've been able to confidently say it with conviction all the time.

So I began to think about it and began to pray and tell God how easy it is for me to maybe short-hand God's grace when I think I am self-sufficient or when I feel like I know better (biggest example right now would be just this need to control my experience in PT school). I just have this blatant expectation of being friends with these certain peoples and hence indirectly thinking that the people I am in with in my family pods ( Smaller groups within my cohort) may not be good enough. I think it stems more from a fear of my insecurity of not being good enough and picking out people who I think I would feel most accepted by. Versus actually having a right perspective of not just being there to be a light, but I think just being challenged to enjoy the journey God has already numbered and ordained in His sovereignty. And it's in realizing the depth of his sovereignty that has led me to really see how much His grace has abounded in my life and how I can bank on it leading into this new season.

Which brings me to my 4am thoughts. I began to think about my adoption, not just as the singular event from being brought from China to America. But I think God caused me to think about it as a series of events from the past that extend far beyond my level of comprehension. Imagine the day in which my birth parents found out they were pregnant, imagine the decision they had to make and the 9 months it actually took, imagine the possible relief or even sorrow to have to give up the baby, imagine how vulnerable I was to be left out in the streets yet still survived, imagine the moment someone helplessly found me but brought me to an orphanage, imagine the possible neglect I faced because there were just too many babies to care for and not enough people, imagine on the other side of the world how my parents contemplated adoption after losing their one chance to have a baby because of cancer, imagine.... And I just went along for the ride in just going back step by step. And then I felt I was floored when the thought occurred to me: Imagine all this and remember you had no control in it, yet here you are.

That's when it hit me, each event that led up to my birth and adoption happened when I was helpless, had zero comprehension and zero control over it and yet here I am. In psalm 139 it talks about how God literally forms our days before they even existed. And how good has God been, even the days of old in my own life. Not just in the people's lives of the Bible, but my own.

I think it's so easy to separate God's goodness and sovereignty from our own lives, especially when we grow discontent in our expectations where we think we should be and attribute it to God just not being good enough. Maybe comparing and wondering how God would pull through in the Bible or even in another person's life, but not our own. But I was reminded how God's promises are realized with faith and patience ( Hebrews 6:12). And I feel like I really had to understand and connect the dots in seeing how deepGod's grace and sovereignty saturated my adoption. Because I can now see, when thinking of grace in a " tangible way". Like my whole life is a complete product of grace. Literally from the food I eat, to the fresh water I drink, from the home I live in, from the friends and family I have, to the church I go to, from the education and opportunities, to the most important and ultimate gift- my salvation. That is literally all gone if one thing where to change from the time I was born to the family I became adopted to. And I am convinced and confident it was God's goodness and sovereignty that brought it to pass. I mean I'm not saying life is perfect and I have it all together, but I think it's recognizing the details of God's faithfulness that keeps me all the more humble and thankful. And that's so freeing.

You know how people say that the world lies to you in where to place your hope, like money, sex, fame, career etc. And it just leaves you empty at the end of the day? I think the same applies to worry, anxiety, and this need for control in our lives. It is an empty and false hope and it can trap us. I mean Jesus literally blows my mind every time when he says

"And which of you being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" ( Matt 6:27)

It's so true. And it makes me think about specifically the one thing I've been toiling over in my mind and I think has been a lie from the enemy is: If I worry enough about making friends in PT school, I will be able to control the outcome". And that's a lie, because no matter how much I play it out in my head, there's no guarantee it will happen. And to be honest, in retrospect I think God had to show me how His hand was in the midst of my life before I even knew he existed, before I even knew I existed to understand that. The point being, I think far too often I forget God's goodness and faithfulness in my life which leads me to doubt his sovereignty and his plan, especially when it doesn't look like something I would do. Far too often I forget that God has been so good. Somehow in all his wisdom and insight, he has caused my life to pan out to bring me to salvation, to bring me to amazing friends and family despite their shortcomings, I have this crazy opportunity of a lifetime to go to PT school, and here I am questioning God's goodness and sovereignty in the group I am assigned to and questioning if God's got this PT school thing figured out? That sounds insane in light of realizing how much God has provided in the midst of what could have happened in my life even from being conceived. I could have been aborted for all I know, if the family didn't want me that bad. But God spared me and not only spared me, but has given me new life in Christ. He hasn't given me greater faith, but faith in a great God who has saved me and wanted to saved me even before the beginning of time ( Eph 1:5-6).

Like dang, who I am I to question God's sovereignty and goodness. And those two words I keep bringing up because I have no other way to describe the grace and mercy my life has experienced. I just can't. And as I conclude, I think God put this on my heart as an invitation to trust him. To take his word with confidence in my heart ( which is something I would love to see grow in 2021 haha there's my new year's resolution for 2021) and invite me to really surrender and enjoy the process knowing He is in control. So I exhort you and even myself to continue to lean in with confidence into 2021, not because of any circumstance or external hope, not even internally thinking you know best and you know what's up, but to dive into God's word and believe everything he says he is. Oh that my eyes would be open to believe confidently God is all that He says He is. May that be the fuel and invitation to enjoy him and worship him day by day in every circumstance.

"For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them"

Psalm 139:14-16